Desolation What if Edward had never gone to Italy?
by labarredesavon
Summary: This fanfic takes place near the end of New Moon, when Bella first sees Alice again. Alice left for Forks at the end of NM without telling anyone why she was going, so Rosalie never called Edward, so no Volturi. What happens…?
1. Chapter 1

_(A/N: This fanfic takes place near the end of New Moon, when Bella first sees Alice after all the months they were separated. Jacob has been completely cut out of this story - just imagine that he was never born, and Bella is exactly like she is at the start for the whole book. Alice left for Forks at the end of NM without telling anyone why she was going, meaning Rosalie never called Edward, and the whole confrontation in Italy with the Volturi never happened. Bella and Alice have spent about a week together, catching up..._

_I tried to keep this as close to the books as much as possible, so there will be lines from the books you'll all recognise. I've borrowed extensively from Stephenie Meyer's work; I take no credit for any of her lines. When I've used huge amounts from her work, I've made a note of it at the start of the chapter.)_

CHAPTER ONE

It had been exactly a week since I had first seen Alice Cullen sitting in my hallway. After so long without having seen a vampire, I still couldn't believe that she was really here. She was like a Band-Aid for the deep fissures in my heart: nowhere near enough to erase the pain, but it helped staunch the bleeding. And I had lost far too much blood over the past months.

We sat on the couch; some chick flick was on that neither of us was really watching. Charlie was working late, and Alice had gone hunting earlier.

She sighed, and I put my head on her neck.

"You alright, Alice?"

She laughed, and I looked at her in confusion.

"Bella, you look like death warmed up, and you're asking me if _I'm_ okay?"

I flinched. "You didn't answer my question."

"No, I didn't. But I'm fine, Bella, really."

Though my world was surrounded by a permanent haze nowadays, I was still observant enough to know that wasn't the case.

"No, Alice, you're not."

She rolled her eyes at me. "I just miss my family - well, I shouldn't complain, I know that's small beans compared to you, but I do miss Jasper especially."

Guilt and embarrassment turned my face red, and she looked at me in alarm.

"I know I hunted this morning, Bella, but try not to blush...?"

Ignoring that, I put a hand on the side of her face. "You're missing your family because of me... I feel so _selfish_."

She rolled her eyes again. "We can live without each other for a while... Listen, Bella, you're my best friend, and there's no doubt in my mind that you need me right now. So don't feel guilty, okay? I'm here because I want to be."

I shook my head. "But that's not going to last, is it? I mean, you have to go back sometime, Charlie will wonder why you're still here after a while, and even though I can't tell you how much I appreciate having you here, how much it's helping me, it's still not enough." I tightened my arms around my chest at the thought of her leaving again…

She looked thoughtful. "True..." Her mouth twisted as she turned toward the television, but I seriously doubted that she was actually watching it. I had experience reading her face.

"What, Alice?"

She shook her head. "Another time. Promise. Now's not it."

I narrowed my eyes, but acquiesced.

At that very moment, Alice's phone buzzed. She grinned as she opened it.

"Speak of the devil… Hi, Jasper."

I raised my eyebrows. Alice had left in a rush when she'd seen my cliff dive – hadn't told anyone, just got on a plane – and it seemed that Jasper was getting worried. I was surprised that it had taken him this long to call: he was always stupendously and unnecessarily overprotective when it came to his soul mate…

I tightened my arms over my chest, but I turned around to watch Alice's lovely face as she talked to Jasper.

"I'm absolutely fine, Jazz, I promise," she said, with a dainty roll of the eyes. "…I'm at Bella's."

There was a pause, which Alice quickly filled before Jasper could say anything.

"Look, I know he said to stay away, but this time last week I saw her jump off a cliff… No, she's absolutely fine… cliff diving… I know."

I didn't need to have vampire hearing to know what the questions being asked were.

"I am still here, Jasper, because… well, you should see her. She's nearly catatonic. She has trouble sleeping, all she does is scream when she does sleep. She's way too thin, her eyes have dark shadows under them. It's like her world is wrapped in cotton wool… she doesn't _hear_ anything. And she's better since I came, I can't just _leave…_"

I shut my eyes. She had intended for me to hear this, I knew: she usually talked at vampire speed on the phone.

"Are you sure that's wise, Jasper? You'd be in a house with two humans… Well, okay, that might work… I know, I miss you too."

She looked at me. "Is it okay if he comes here? You don't have to say yes." But I nodded fervently: more vampires.

"She says it's fine with her. When can you get here? Okay, great."

She looked much happier, and so was I. It sounded like Jasper was coming too.

"And another thing… Yes, don't tell them, they can't all come back to Forks and he would rip me to shreds if he knew what I was doing."

I hadn't missed that she hadn't used Edward's name. She'd learned that it wasn't good for me, the first day she came here; it was so easy, with her in front of me, to imagine his pale, perfect form…

Agony ripped though me at the memory, but I pushed it away with difficulty.

"Just leave a note of some sort… Okay, perfect. See you tomorrow, Jasper. I love you."

She closed the phone and gave a happy sigh.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Jasper arrived late the next evening. I had gone with Alice to pick him up from the airport – he was the first off the plane.

After he and Alice had finished embracing, he turned to me with the same expression Alice had worn over the past week when she had looked at me. Pity, horror, and a little bit of anger. And Jasper knew my emotions as well as I did my own, so there was no doubt over the cause of that.

He walked slowly up to meet me, and stood awkwardly, his hands in front of him.

"Bella, I am so sorry for everything. I feel as though all the pain I can see on your face is my fault: he-"

The 'he' again.

"-left because I couldn't control myself, and I can see the consequences of that etched all over your face. Would you consider… forgiving me?"

I smiled bitterly. "That's not the real reason he left, though, is it?" Jasper looked at Alice in confusion, and she shook her head at him. "Don't worry, though, Jasper, I forgive you. Of course I do. It really isn't your fault. It wasn't your decision to leave."

Even though his eyes were pitch black, he pulled me into an ever-so-gentle hug, and I hugged him back. It felt nice: the brother I never had.

Peace and calm stole through me, though, and I knew that it wasn't all of my own making.

I pulled back slightly. "Please, don't do that."

He looked puzzled, but he nodded.

We then set off for home, and I could hear the faint sounds of Alice and Jasper talking under their breaths as Alice drove home. It was midnight, and I was tired, so I grudgingly closed my eyes and waited for the nightmare to start. Even Alice's presence couldn't shield me from the nightly torture.

Some hours later, my throat sore and my limbs shaky, I woke up, opening my eyes but not making a sound or moving. They hadn't noticed: they were both leaning against the windowsill, talking about me.

Jasper was speaking; "…never thought I'd see any emotions more wrecked than Edward's. He was a mess. But even though she's human and her emotions aren't that strong, she's still nearly as bad as him. It scared me. She wouldn't let me calm her down, either."

"It's like an anaesthetic against her memories of him, I think… she wants to hold onto him, but not actually remember him… I don't know."

"It just makes me think… We met, we fell in love, and that was it. So did Rose and Emmett, and Carlisle and Esme. It makes me realise… how lucky we all are that none of it was really all that complicated. At least, not in comparison to Edward and Bella."

"He told her, just before he left, that he didn't love her anymore."

"What?"

"It's true. And she believed him, straight away."

A shocked intake of breath. "I don't think anything could be further from the truth! How could she not dispute that? They're perfect for each other! Have you told her that?"

"I don't need the talent I have to know she wouldn't listen. I don't think she would believe me – she's convinced she doesn't deserve him."

I closed my eyes and fought to keep control of myself as the torturous pain in my chest heightened. Despite what they were saying, I knew that Edward and I were never meant to be together. We weren't perfectly matched at all – I was as plain as paper, he was beautiful, wonderful, amazing beyond anyone's wildest imaginings…

"Have you considered-" Jasper continued.

"I have, but I'm worried. Edward'll kill me, for one thing."

"Never."

"Hell hath no fury like Edward towards someone who disagrees with his plans for Bella." Her tone dripped with acid.

Jasper wrapped his arms around her waist. "I know, Alice. I don't think anyone in the family actually wanted us to leave, and I myself find it a drastic course of action that has caused much more hurt than it prevented."

"Not only that. He left to protect her from the futures I saw for her, but even when he decided to leave, I saw, _he_ saw, that they were still going to happen. But he disregarded that, Jasper, and I could handle that. He was still a bit crazy...

But what really annoys me is that Bella had already decided to become one of us, and I know that she was right. It _is_ the right thing to do, and I know that they would both be so happy. I've seen it, Jasper, and Edward's seen it through me. She knew what she was doing, the consequences of her choice, what would happen after. It was her decision to make. But he disregarded everything, everything except his own stubborn, pigheaded, misinformed ideas about what _he _thought was best for her! And now look what he's done to himself-what he's done to _her_. And that makes me think that, well, maybe I should take matters into my own hands and _force_ it on him…"

What?

"I know. I couldn't agree more."

"So you think I should make her the offer?"

Offer? I couldn't make any sense of it.

"Yes, I think you should."


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

When I awoke to an icy cold morning the next day, I padded down the stairs, wrapped in a blanket, and proceeded to turn the heating on. There was a note on the bench in Alice's handwriting.

_Bella-_

_Jazz is in a house with two humans. I'm sure you can figure out where we've gone. Back at around eleven. _

_P.S. Jasper is staying at our old house here, so Charlie doesn't get suspicious. I'm going to go and pack my bags and do the whole leaving thing tonight too, and go and join him. He's left for work: I've told him I'm going tonight already. _

_Alice_

I checked the clock: they were due back in fifteen minutes. Enough time to have breakfast and figure out how I was going to tell them I'd been eavesdropping last night, so I could demand to know what the offer was. Hmmmn.

When they did come back, I was drawing a blank, but that ended up not being an issue. As soon as they had bounded in through the door, Alice sat me down by the fire and leant her head against the wall, keeping away from the flames. She wasted no time in getting down to the topic.

"Bella, I've been wondering, agonising, over whether I should offer you this, but I think I'm making the right decision to just say it and let _you_ decide.

You were right the other night when you said that our present situation wasn't going to work. I can't stay here forever, and I can't bring all of my family back here, either. I know you always wanted to join the Cullen family, and I would love you as a sister… forever."

Wait a minute… she didn't mean…

"Bella, I've been thinking… and I know the answer anyway. But honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself."

I stared at her, frozen in shock. Instantly, my mind resisted her words. I couldn't afford that kind of hope if she changed her mind.

"Did I scare you?" she wondered. I thought that's what you wanted."

What she'd been discussing with Jasper last night suddenly made sense.

"Well, anyway, I thought I'd let you decide. You know the ins and outs of it, I'm sure, and you can ask me any questions you like. I'll be the one to do it. And I can tell you now that I think it's by far the best thing to do if you're willing; Edward was a fool to try and force it away from you."

"But… Oh, Alice…" My brain had frozen. But as the ice slowly melted, I started to consider it.

But if Alice didn't kill me, then Edward could run after his distractions all he wanted, and I could follow. I wouldn't let him be distracted. Maybe, when I was beautiful and strong, he wouldn't want distractions.

And part of the pain had been losing a family, a future, an entire life I'd chosen… maybe the hole in my chest would fill a little if I had that part. And I would love to be Alice's true sibling: I'd always loved her like a sister. Not to mention Emmett, Jasper… even Rosalie. And to have Carlisle and Esme too…

I had always wanted to be a vampire. I knew instantly that it was an offer I could never refuse.

"Yes!" I cried. "Oh, Alice, do it now! Bite me!"

She laughed. "You have too much faith in me, Bella. I'm not sure that I _can_. I've never done it or seen it done. I'll probably just end up killing you. And_ he'll _be furious, but what will he be able to do about it?"

My heart beat faster. "Nothing at all. And I'll take my chances."

"You are _so _bizarre, even for a human."

"Thanks."

"But, what about Charlie? Your human life? You've made this decision, but I can't see him or Renee…"

I bit my lip. Charlie. What would happen if I just disappeared? But on the other hand…

"If you don't do it now, then you'll change your mind."

"No, I don't think I will."

I thought through it. I owed Charlie _some_ peace of mind, after the past months.

"After graduation?"

"You have my word."

I smiled, leaned back. "Thankyou, Alice."

"Not a problem. You'll be my new sister: should be thanking _you._"

Sister… I felt deliriously happy at the thought. I was going to have the family I never thought I'd be a part of. If only I could have Edward too, to complete the picture. Not going to happen, I knew, but dreams were good momentary anaesthetics. And how it was going to work between Edward and I… but we'd figure that out. I had to get past the wild newborn blood-crazed stage first.

Alice, Jasper, and I spent the remainder of the night nutting out details of what exactly was going to happen in the next year or two. I would finish finals, say my goodbyes to Charlie (I was trying not to think about that part), telling him I was going to Dartmouth – Jasper had a very authentic-looking letter of acceptance – and then we would travel to Alaska. When we got there, Alice would bite me, and I would spend my time as a newborn in an old house that used to belong to the Cullens' vegetarian friends, the Denali coven. Alice could see they would happily consent to having us there.

The details got a bit hazy after my time as a newborn finished: Alice couldn't see all that well when Edward was going to come onto the scene, but she didn't want me all blood-crazy around the rest of the Cullens. She had her reasons, and she was the one who could see the future, so she was the one making the plans.

We would work with the assumption that after we'd finished in Denali, we would go to wherever the rest of the Cullens were. But, as she put it: "You're your own person, Bella. You can go your own way if you want."

I didn't know what to think of the plan. It was scary to plan such a huge life change, bigger than anything, ever, in only a month's time. But it felt _right_.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Life settled into a strange sort of routine over the next few weeks. I would go to school, go to the old Cullen house, and study for finals with Alice and Jasper (who were, predictably, amazing teachers) for a while, and then I would go home and put the dinner on for Charlie. He would come home about half an hour later, we would eat, and then I would go upstairs and do some more studying, sometimes with a vampire, sometimes without.

During this period, Jasper also told me of his background with Maria in the South, dealing with the newborn vampires. It was kind of comforting to lose the assumption that I had previously held, that he only resisted humans because of Alice. I knew now that it was actually because he still wasn't used to not having the instant gratification he'd experienced during the first years of his life, and that was good to know. The happy ending with Alice was nice, too.

I wasn't hugely concerned with the marks I was going to get in the exams – after all, I wasn't going to do the usual college route after graduation. But Alice said, the first day I brought it up, "It's part of being a Cullen." I almost smiled – it was a nice prospect. "And you never know. You might be off to college in a couple of years."

So I went and did the exams with slightly surprising ease, due to my amazing tutors. Alice had also told me that she saw me getting some pretty good grades, so I went in confident as well.

Graduation loomed large in my mind, and I looked forward to it as much as I cringed away from it. It meant the beginning of a better life, the joining of a new family, the speed, the strength, all of it. But _everything _was new. Becoming a vampire meant leaving everything I'd ever really known over my life, and taking a step into the unknown. But my constant separation from reality had led to the severance of most of my friendships anyway, so I didn't really mind that. What I did mind was leaving Charlie and Renee - I knew I was going to hurt them deeply, especially Charlie, who would end up totally alone. At least Renee had Phil. If I'd left for college, that would have happened anyway, but then he'd still have phone calls, visits, emails. The life I was going to live allowed none of that. The last time would be the last time. I would have to disappear.

But I had been such a useless excuse for a daughter, the way I'd acted over the past few months, and that was never going to change for me. The hurt would heal for them, because they wouldn't have to watch me suffer and be consumed by it themselves. They would be able to let me go and stop worrying about me, finally.

It was worth the sacrifice.

Graduation came around quickly, as these things do. It was very anticlimactic, however: a walk across the stage and a scroll pressed into my hand. End of my last ever human experience. Alice and Jasper, the main reason I'd graduated with honors, weren't there: someone could have recognised them. Charlie and Renee _were_ there, though, and they made a big production out of it. We went out for dinner – burgers and chips – and they made a big fuss over me... but still, always careful. Basic, anti-inflammatory topics, all designed to not remind me of Edward.

Mom was especially gushy over the fact that I was (as far as she knew) going to an Ivy League college.

"The only place I could ever get accepted to was Clown College!" she joked in a watery tone of voice. "You'll have to write every day, so I can hear what it's like!"

I just nodded along.

After sitting through an hour of this, Charlie took me home and Mom left back for Phoenix: Phil had a game the next morning. She wouldn't be able to cope with anything more than utter normalcy, so that was what I gave her.

"Thanks for coming, Mom. I love you so much. Tell Phil I said hi. Have a good flight."

I'd noticed, lately, that my tone was very robotic. I couldn't do animated, though, _couldn't_, so it stayed stuck in a flat monotone.

"Bye, sweetie. I love you too."

But Charlie could have a sliver of extra detail. Alice and Jasper were going to come during the night to take me away, so I didn't have much time left. The blood was pumping in my veins as I turned to Charlie and have him a huge bear hug. But he spoke before I could.

"Bella, maybe I'm just feeling – I don't know, superstitious, I guess. But I have this … hunch. I feel like I'm going to lose you soon."

And I had always thought my mother was the more perceptive one… my stomach twisted in my chest like a length of rope, and I gave a little noise, rather like a hiccup, of surprise.

"I'm going to college, Dad, if that's what you mean, but you know you'll never lose me." My tone sounded even more off than it had been lately - it was obvious I was lying - but he was too wrapped up in what he was saying to notice. Thankfully.

"I feel like I've _already _lost you in some ways." I winced – harsh but true. "But that's not what I meant."

"Can you just promise me one thing?" I cringed: maybe, maybe not. There were many things I couldn't promise him. "It's not a big one, don't worry. Just, will you tell me if you're going to do anything major? Before you run off, or something? I won't kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to hug you goodbye."

Okay. Sounded fair. "Dad…" How to phrase it?

"I _am_ going away, but it might not be to college. And I'll be gone a while too. I might not be able to get in touch with you."

"What-"

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry."

He gave a small smile. "Need-to-know basis?"

"Sort of. But listen, Dad, I love you forever and ever. You know that, right? You might not be hearing from me for a while, but you know that I love you?"

He nodded, pain apparent on his face. "I know. And you know I love you too, Bells… Could you just tell me, why? Is it to do with the Cullens?"

I didn't know how to answer. On the one hand, I wanted nothing more than to tell him the truth. But on the other, a 'yes' answer could lead to him looking for the Cullens once we went, and I knew that that couldn't happen. I owed it to my new family…

I shrugged. "Not really." A lie, but in slightly more neutral territory.

"Okay…" He hugged me tightly, one last time, and we just took in each other's faces, then and there; it was our last chance.

After a little while, we departed: he to his bedroom, me to my new life.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Alice was leaning against my desk when I walked in. She spoke before I could.

"I've got all I think you'll need, or want." She indicated a suitcase on the floor. "All your books are in there, some clothes… Wait a minute..." She broke off, following her nose to a loose floorboard underneath my bed.

"Alice, what-"

But she had flipped it open to reveal what. And I felt my knees go weak as I saw everything that Edward had taken from me when he'd left. All of the photos, the plane tickets, the CD he had made for me with my lullaby on it…

I fell to my knees as the memories drilled a hole in my skull. _Why had he done this?_

Alice lifted me up, and I hugged her for support. Didn't matter. Didn't matter. We needed to leave.

She seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because she simply swept all of the extra items into the bag containing all that remained of my old life. I fingered it wistfully, and she turned to look at me, deadly serious.

"Bella. Are you absolutely, positively sure that you want to do this?"

I nodded. "Yes, Alice."

She smiled, and gathered me and my bag into her arms. "We'll run to my house, Jasper's got a car waiting. We'll drive to the airport and fly to Alaska. Okay?"

I nodded again.

"I'm quite excited, really. I'm looking forward to having you as my sister."

"Me too, Alice. Me too."

I lay a note for Charlie on the chair, where I hoped he'd find it, and we left. I couldn't bring myself to look back at the house…

It was beautiful. It was far away from anywhere, not accessible by any road, in a secluded part of the mountains. It was under a thick cover of trees, in the middle of a harsh mountain range. It was freezing cold there, and Alice, who was none too warm herself as she carried me, wasn't helping. Jasper was alongside us, carrying my bag.

We had arrived at the house.

It was a quaint sort of fairytale cabin. It belonged where it was so absolutely that it seemed as if it had grown from the rock, like a natural formation. There was a little path of flat stones, amethyst in the night, which led up to the quaint arched wooden door. It was a perfect, storybook sort of house.

It was absolutely terrifying. I was still resolute, but now I was thinking of the pain I was about to experience…

We were inside, and Alice put me down, gently, onto a bed.

"I hunted this morning, I feel ready. How about you?"

"Scared stiff, but ready."

"I don't need to tell you that it will really hurt, but I promise you that it will be over in three days, maybe a little less."

Jasper walked out from behind her, holding a syringe. "I have a dose of morphine here that should knock you out for at least eight hours, _maybe_ protect you from the pain. But I can't promise anything. We'll re-dose you if it's effective, though."

Deep breaths. "Okay."

They walked me to the bed, laying me down on it. I was trembling.

Jasper gripped my arm as he pushed the needle into it. For once, my fear of needles had no power over me: I knew that what was coming next was far, far worse. But not as bad as the pain I had known already, since way back in September. I knew no pain could be as bad as that.

Alice leaned over me. "Ready? I'll only bite you once, I promise. And Jasper will pull me off you if it gets too much for me."

I nodded, white as a sheet and holding every muscle in my body stiff.

Slowly, she moved her head towards my neck, an expression of intense concentration on her face. She opened her mouth, and her teeth sank into my throat, slowly, painstakingly. I felt the venom flow into my veins.

Heat flowed from the spot, my blood carrying Alice's venom though my body. One and a half minutes later, it was everywhere.

And hot, much too hot. I wanted to claw my chest and rip my heart from it, but I couldn't even locate my arms: they were dead things at my sides.

Intense, sharp, clear, searing, pain. I knew instantly that the morphine had done nothing. It was like the ballet studio all over again. My back arched, and I shrieked in agony.

I felt her lips leave my neck, and I heard her, dimly, sighing in satisfaction.

"Okay, Bella, it's started. If you need to scream, then don't hold back. But you need to know that it does no good to scream."

I couldn't respond to her with words: all thoughts I had were obliterated by the fire that raged inside me.

All I wanted was to die. To never have been born. The whole of my existence did not outweigh this pain. Wasn't worth living though it for one more heartbeat.

Let me die, let me die, let me die.

But it could have been seconds or days, weeks or years, yet eventually time began to mean something again.

Though the fire did not decrease one tiny degree, I began to develop a new capacity for experiencing it, a new sensitivity to appreciate, separately, each blistering tongue of flame that licked through my veins. I found my screams and moans becoming less and less frequent, and I could feel all of my senses becoming clearer.

The fire in my throat wasn't the same as before, though. I wasn't only on fire, but I was now parched, too. So thirsty… Burning fire and scorching thirst…

Also bad news: The fire inside my heart got hotter.

How was that _possible_?

My heartbeat, already too fast, picked up – the fire drove my throat to a new, frantic pace.

I could hear footsteps coming into the room, so dainty that I knew it had to be Alice. This set of footsteps was followed by another: Jasper.

Strange, that I could distinguish the minute differences between footsteps that I'd never been able to hear at all before today.

"Bella, you've been out for nearly three days. You have about another half an hour before it finishes, but the venom is going to go for your heart now, and that's the most painful part."

My relief at her words was overshadowed by the excruciating pain as the fire retreated to my heart as it left my palms. My wrists were gradually freed, and so were my ankles, but each time, the fire would intensify in my heart. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. The fire, inch by inch, worked itself closer to my heart…

And then – _oh!_

My heart took off, beating like helicopter blades, the sound almost a single sustained note: it felt like it would grind through my ribs. The fire flared up in the centre of my chest, sucking the last remnants of the flames from the rest of my body to fuel the most scorching blaze yet. My back arched upward again, as though the fire was dragging me upwards by the heart.

It was like a battle inside me, a battle neither side could win. The fire was doomed, having only one combustible organ left, but that meant that my heart was doomed as well. The fire constricted, concentrating inside that one remaining human organ with a final, unbearable surge. This was answered by a deep, hollow-sounding thud.

My heart stuttered twice, and then thudded quietly, just once more.

The fire was gone; for a few moments, the absence of pain was all I could comprehend.

Then I opened my eyes and gazed above me in wonder.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Everything was so _new_.

Clear. Sharp. Defined.

I could see _everything_. Every individual grain in the wood panelling of the ceiling, the specks of dust that floated lazily through the air. I could hear the birds chirping in the trees twenty miles out. I could smell, almost taste, the scents in the air: wood, sawdust, a sweet scent coming from my left that I instantly liked, and another scent that was so beautifully mouth-watering and _satisfying_ that I knew exactly what it was, even though I had never known it before. It burned my throat.

And the burn in my throat, unfortunately, was the most dominant thing at the moment. It was all I could do to lock my muscles and not attempt to devour the small spots of blood that remained on the bed. I moaned at the temptation.

All of these observations had taken place in half a second, maybe less. My new mind was stunningly fast at all sorts of calculations, and I suspected that wasn't the only thing about me that was now stunningly fast. To test this theory, I sat up to get a better look at the room.

It was as if there had been absolutely no movement at all; one moment I had been lying on the bed, the next, I was upright. Instantaneous. Wow. I was as fast as a vampire, and I realised almost as quickly that that was what I was now.

I was a newborn vampire.

My newly frozen form shivered in delight at the idea.

I looked at the faces of Alice and Jasper, who were sitting to my left, by the door. My eyes slid to Alice first. Her face, seen by my vampire eyes, was even more exquisite than it had been in my weak human vision. She was stunning, beautiful, perfect. Beyond words, really.

But my eyes slid next to Jasper, and with a jolt I realised that the scars I hadn't been able to see only a week ago were now perfectly visible and every bit as horrifying as I'd thought they would be. Every square inch of his skin was covered with bite marks like the one I had had, criss-crossed in a kind of terrifying latticework. I tensed myself automatically, hissed; any vampire that had seen him would have had the same reaction. _Dangerous_, they screamed. How many sets of teeth had cut into that skin? Hundreds? Thousands? The same number that had died in the attempt.

Jasper felt my assessment, my caution, and he smiled wryly.

I was distracted, though, when I heard the voice of a vampire for what felt like the first time ever. It was so clear, like the most carefully-crafted instrument, round, rich, mesmerizing.

"I'm not going to attack you, Bella."

Alice gracefully danced over to me, and I absorbed the movement with my new eyes.

"Sorry about the blood on the bed, I should have cleaned that up, or moved you… How do you feel, Bella?"

Her voice was just as amazing as his, and as I responded, I heard my own.

"Overwhelmed… there's just so much…" Frustration, confusion, wonder broke through in my tone. _Too_ much. Jasper smoothed my emotions over, a look of caution on his ravaged face. I became annoyed at him, and tensed myself to spring. Oh, I would show _him_ not to manipulate me like that…

He was behind me in an instant, pinning my arms behind my back, and Alice was there too. It wasn't painful, just infuriating.

Alice hissed in my ear. "Bella. Calm _down_! Think! You nearly just attacked your _brother_."

I snarled in response. It wasn't nice to tell others what to do. I tried to break their grip, but couldn't – the two of them held too tightly. Though, I did notice that I was pretty close to ripping free of them.

Wow. I was nearly as strong as _two_ vampires.

"You need to hunt, I know you're thirsty. But first, you need to _calm down_."

Bullshit. "Get OFF!" I screeched. "Get OFF me! It's bad enough I had to go through all that pain, I don't need you messing with _my_ emotions less that _half a freaking minute after_!" I struggled wildly. I would show them…

It was a good hour and a half later of more of the same before I slowly started to realise that she was right. I eventually relaxed my struggles and turned to their wary faces. That had been out of line, and I knew it. Shame crashed over me as I realised I had been ready to attack Jasper, and what made it worse was that I knew I could and probably would, very easily, do it again.

The contrition I felt was yet another powerful, all-consuming emotion. Like the hole smarting in my chest at Edward's rejection, or the confusion I felt as I grappled with my new capacity for everything.

"I am so sorry, Jasper. I just… _snapped_."

"It's okay, Bella, I know it's not really you. I've seen plenty of newborns before, you know that, and this is what happens. Try as hard as you can to keep a lid on it, though. The less it happens, the better."

I nodded. Fair enough. Deep breaths. "Okay. I'll try."

"Then let's hunt."

The all-consuming burn in my throat only intensified as I brought it to the fore in my mind. He leapt out of the open window; I watched carefully and followed close behind; it wasn't at all hard. Everything physical seemed very simple. And rather fun, I reflected, as my feet flew over the ground. But I was too thirsty to really concentrate on anything but the thirst in my throat, and the knowledge that it would soon be muted. If ever-so-slightly.

There was plenty to concentrate on, though. The feeling of the wind whipping through my hair, the crushing of the spruce leaves beneath my feet, the branches whacking me that should have hurt, but felt like caressing fingers against my skin.

Jasper stopped suddenly, and sniffed the air. I did too, and immediately smelled blood, heard a heart pumping.

It was still warm, being deliciously and enticingly pushed through the veins of the brown bear about fifty metres away. But I wrinkled my nose; the blood, while appealing, had an animal edge to it that was slightly repulsive.

But not repulsive enough.

Jasper spoke, in a kind and rather instructive voice. "Whenever you're ready, Bella. Hunting is entrenched in vampire nature; just go with your instincts."

I nodded, and some reaction to the scent of the blood had me in a sort of crouch before I knew what I was really doing. With a great snarl, I took two strides towards the bear, and with a colossal – yet instantaneous and rather easy – leap, I was at the bear's neck, ripping and tearing and drinking, drinking, drinking. I'd broken its neck when I'd landed on it and pushed it over, and it had broken with the force I was providing. The blood cooled a little faster, which was annoying.

Throwing the carcass off myself, I didn't stop to think about my blood-soaked and torn clothing, my filthy matted hair, or the fact that I'd drained a bear of all of its blood and was still thirsty. I just kept going, running in a straight line for a while until I picked out a similar sort of scent, through not exactly the same.

The black bear was my next victim, as were about ten other animals during the course of the next ten minutes. I was so thirsty that finesse, pace, and the state of my clothing meant nothing. The only thing that was important was the blood I needed to get inside of my body.

Eventually, I stopped. While the burn in my throat was still tremendous, my body felt very full of blood, and I knew that while more would soothe my throat momentarily, it would become uncomfortable.

So I stood still for a while, listening for Jasper, checking myself over. Though I'd been involved in numerous tussles with dangerous wildlife, the only damage was that done to my dress, which looked like an interesting cross between a _Tarzan_ loincloth and something out of a horror movie. The claws that had felt like feathers against my skin had had more of an effect on the dress.

I found this immensely amusing, and my stronger vampire emotions meant that, while it wasn't all that funny, I was rolling around on the forest floor for a good five minutes, laughing manically.

Eventually, though, I calmed down enough to hear Jasper's roars, and the bellows of the bear he was accosting. I followed my ears until I could follow my nose, and it led me right to him.

He stood over the corpse he'd just finished with, and took in my appearance.

"You're a mess, Bella."

I tensed again: the embarrassment and resulting defiance caused me lash out.

"For God's sake, I KNOW that, Jasper! State the obvious, why don't you? I must look HIDEOUS, like a MONSTER, but that's kind of a no-brainer for the person that's been KILLING ANIMALS for the past ten minutes! You stupid-"

Another half hour of vicious tirades from me, I calmed down again. Possibly with a little help from him, I didn't know.

"Sorry," I could only say.

I know, Bella, it was a bad thing to say on my part too. Are you finished?"

"I think so."

"How are you feeling? Your throat?"

"Still dry as a bone. But muted a little, I guess."

"Good. Let's go back and get you into a shower, okay?"

"Sounds good."

We ran back to the house. I was focusing on ignoring the burn in my throat, coming to grips with my new body, and hoping Alice wouldn't kill me, but it all stopped short when I caught my reflection in the window of the cottage.

I thought it was someone else, at first, even though that was ridiculous – the three of us were the only ones around for miles… but I couldn't conceive that the terrible reflection was _mine_.

The woman in the window was breathtakingly beautiful, was the first thing I registered. Easily as striking as any vampire I'd ever seen, and possibly even more so.

But she was frightening, too. Her hair was twisted and knotted and caked with blood, and her dress – the same ridiculous dress Alice had put me in, I'd realised – was no longer its original grey, but a shade of bright red, stained with fresh blood.

I saved her eyes for last, because I knew exactly what I would see there…

And I was right. Her irises were a bright, clear red: redder than any I had ever seen, I was sure.

She looked like something from a horrible nightmare, or a gory horror movie. Beautiful and terrible. I was scared just looking at it.

And then, the delusion I'd just constructed of my mistaken identity shattered as quickly as it had come. The woman was _me._ I was the monster, the stuff of nightmares.

I couldn't _take _it anymore. The confusion, the hurt, the sense of being a stranger in my own body, the fact that the pain I felt over Edward had become even sharper since I'd woken up… I'd tried to push them down, but they bubbled back up to the surface at the sight of her terrifying eyes. And the emotions exploded upwards into the night as rage-and-pain-filled roar that was both piercing and raw. Poor Jasper: I must have given him quite a fright.

He had the good sense to not approach me, though, and I made no move to attack him. Instead, I lay flat on the ground, and began kicking and punching it harder than I'd ever thought possible. I was way beyond control, rationality, even anger: I had touched upon the same sort of waves of pain that had pulled me under the night Edward left, except magnified because I felt things more keenly as a vampire. I cried without knowing how to cry in the body, no tears, but a hacking sort of sound came out of my chest. I couldn't handle it, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't… I was beyond coherency was well. It was as bad as when I had burned. Maybe worse, even. Not a physical pain, an emotional pain, and emotional pain is always so much worse.

Twenty-four hours, seven minutes and thirty-nine seconds later, I started to gain a better hold on myself. Gained better control of the unruly limbs that had carved me out a crater that had to be fifty feet deep, maybe more. Jasper hadn't moved an inch, I noticed, but Alice stood beside him now, her expression unreadable.

I curled up into a ball, and looked up at them.

Alice jumped down to join me, landing lithely on the balls of her feet. "Bella… are you okay?"

"Not really." I gave her a weak smile. "I got it out of my system, though, or at least brought it to the fore for a while. Gave it some air."

"It?" Alice asked.

But I shook my head. "I can't tell you. There aren't words."

"She's right." Jasper looked up at me with a guarded expression. There was something in his face, too…

"What?"

"Well… that was exactly what Edward said the last time I saw him."

I pressed my lips tightly together, but didn't question him further. He couldn't be in that much pain, he didn't love me anymore. Simple as that.

I shook myself as I stood up. "Shall we go back to the house?"

I needed a shower and a new outfit, amongst other things. But the 'other things' weren't as easily attainable. And while I couldn't do anything about my new, awful eyes, if I tidied myself up a little bit, then maybe I wouldn't see so much of a monster when I looked at myself. I could now sort of comprehend why Edward saw himself that way… But it didn't pay to think of him. I pushed him from my mind. Tried light-heartedness.

"One of you might need to teach me how to come back from hunting trips not looking like this," I said as I set off back to the house. We were only a couple of miles away, so we got back before I finished my sentence. I was in the shower in the next second.

The hot water was quite soothing, and I did feel somewhat better. The red eyes weren't fixable, and they were unavoidable when I looked in the mirror, but I did feel better now that I wasn't covered in blood anymore. Alice had laid some new, clean clothes out for me, and as I surveyed myself in the mirror, I began to feel somewhat better. Maybe, just maybe, I had overreacted earlier. The aspects of myself I had seen earlier were either gone, I reasoned, or would go within a year. I exited the bathroom in a more positive state of mind. Showers are good like that.

She was waiting for me as I exited the bathroom, looking even paler than usual somehow.

"Bella, are you _sure_ you chose right?"

I thought about it long and hard. "No, not entirely… But I'm stuck with it now, aren't I?"

Her face twisted. "I couldn't see your future, it sort of scared me. You were such a mess, everything was so _tangled_."

I bit my lip. It felt funny: my new teeth were sharper against my granite skin.

"I _think_ I'm staying, Alice. Where else would I go?"

She smiled. "It's firm again now. You'll stay, you'll be fine. Promise."

I walked over and gave her a hug.

"Thanks."

She hugged me back. It would be fine, for the moment at least. The future was, for now, certain.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

The evening, though, was tough. I could tell, as I lay down, that the nights were going to be the hardest. Alice and Jasper had offered me company, but I had turned them down.

I couldn't sleep, of course, so I had absolutely nothing to do. And when I had nothing to do, the quiet moments alone were second only to the nightmares in terms of the hole in my chest. I was never going to have nightmares while I slept, and for that I was grateful. It was a definite positive.

But, it was quiet and there was nothing to distract me, no-one to keep up a façade around. And, so, my thoughts inevitably wandered to Edward - which was asking for trouble. The memories were human and cloudy, and that scared me, how I had to work so hard to keep his face in view. I had fought for those memories so long while I was human, and it seemed that I would have to fight for them all the harder now that I was a vampire. To reinforce the memories, though, I found I actually had to _remember_. It was excruciating.

And I thought about Charlie. Charlie, who would have woken three days ago to find my bed empty. What would it be doing to him, my absence?

I tried so hard to suppress everything, but it all just hit me, like some sort of battering ram. And I couldn't shut it up…

Distractions! I had to distract myself, was all. What I could use to distract myself…

I'd got it. I headed for the lounge, where my bag that I'd packed with Alice lay open on the floor. It smelled strongly like me when I was human, having sat in my closet ever since I had started travelling to my father's every summer. My mother had bought it for me… I swallowed the figurative lump in my throat. Distractions. Distractions.

I took the bag back to my room – lifting and manoeuvring it easily – and set it upon the floor. The scent was maddeningly attractive, but I figured that I needed to start getting used to it - it was just another kind of pain. At least, that was what I was telling myself, but the scent still made me want to drink the blood of the human owner. Not that that was possible anymore.

I sifted quickly through the suitcase, unearthing my collection of dog-eared classics. I had to be very careful with every movement: if I'd used any sort of strength, I would have crushed it them into pulp.

I'd spent much more time _holding_ these books, so the scent was more potent. My muscles automatically tensed to spring, and venom flowed quickly into my mouth. It took every ounce of my shaky self-control not to do something stupid, and it took a good twelve minutes and thirty seconds before I trusted myself to move from my frozen pose again.

I settled on the bed, and began re-reading To Kill A Mockingbird. Not a romance – definitely not – and it wasn't too sad, I'd had too much sadness already. I needed a distraction, not a reminder.

But the book was only 296 pages long, and I immediately knew that that particular distraction wasn't going to hold very long. Ten minutes, and I'd finished. And I was deliberately going slowly.

Ahhh! Stupid vampire speed. I had three hours to fill in! I was going to get through my entire collection in that time period if I wasn't careful! And I couldn't keep reading the same books, over and over, every night for eight hours.

Resigned, I picked up another book, then another, then another, then another, then another. And so on. I had picked up many good books without romance in them when Edward had left, so I finished those first. I tried to steer clear of the romances, but if it was a toss-up, I decided, between being alone with my thoughts of Edward and reading a romance novel, I'd take the romance any day. So it was in with the romances, and all of it took me through until seven o' clock, which I decided was an acceptable hour to rise.

I had sat on the windowsill for twenty minutes and five seconds when Alice and Jasper waltzed out of the room they were in. Alice sat on the ground in front of me, while Jasper sat next to me. The closeness of Jasper was something I hadn't been used to, but I supposed that there was no reason to stay away from me now. I was unbreakable.

I smiled at the thought. There was a positive.

"How was your night?"

I grimaced. "Rubbish. But it was better towards the end."

"Do you mind if I ask why?"

"I read, instead of thinking about things."

"You're disappointed about something." Jasper was as perceptive as ever.

I pressed my forehead against the glass, looking myself in the eyes. "I finished them all, and I know I can't just keep rereading them every night."

Alice smiled brightly. "Well, that's not a problem! I'll go shopping today, I was planning on doing it anyway. You need some more clothes if you're going to keep getting them torn up when you hunt."

I couldn't decide whether to laugh or to be offended, but Jasper decided for me, as he chuckled hesitantly.

"Speaking of which, Bella – you'll want to hunt again today-" – he knew newborns very well, I reflected – "-so shall we try and not get your clothes _quite_ so decimated today?"

I did laugh then, although it sounded rather hollow. "We could, I guess…"

Alice giggled. "So what sort of books should I pick up for you?"

"Big, thick, and numerous."

"Any particular genre?"

"I'm a fan of the classics, but just give me whatever you can find. I won't mind what you get, just as long as there's plenty of material."

"Okay. Sounds good."

Jasper prodded my arm, lightly. It was nice – the kind of friendly, joking contact that siblings shared. "You're feeling better." It wasn't a question.

"I sort of am." But I didn't want to think about that just now. I wanted to hunt, and make a better job of it this time.

"Sounds good. Alice, do you want to come?"

She shook her head as she unravelled her legs. "Thanks, but no thanks. I want to leave early so I can get to Anchorage when the shops open."

"_Anchorage_?" Trust Alice. "There must be a bookshop around here, Alice, surely that's going a bit–"

She ran out of the bedroom and waved at me, hugged Jasper, and flitted out of the room before I could get out "-overboard."

She really was a force of nature.

Jasper looked at me. "Ready to go and get some grizzlies?" he asked.

I still couldn't quite believe that I was thirsty after the amount of blood I'd gotten into me yesterday, but I guessed that was a part of being a newborn. We set off for the forest again, but this time I suppressed my thirst for another five minutes so I could watch Jasper and see how he remained spotless while hunting.

Satisfied I had gotten all the direction I could get, I proceeded to seek out all wildlife within hearing distance. Jasper, who wasn't thirsty, hung back to watch me, giving me occasional pointers. These mostly went unnoticed, not because I wasn't listening, but when I bit though the animal's flesh, there was the frenzy blood now ignited in me again. It stopped me from thinking of anything at all besides getting as much blood as possible down my throat, and the slight and momentary relief that it brought when I did.

Like yesterday, I drank until it became uncomfortable and I felt that I needed to stop. And it was with relief that I noticed that my clothes were still speckled with blood and torn, but not as much as yesterday. A good trend to follow.

"Was that better?" I asked Jasper as we set off back home. I'd gone slightly slower today, but I'd needed a little less blood, so we took the same amount of time as yesterday. When we got back home, we sat for a while and stared out the window, and then he asked;

"Bella, do you want to talk? I've only heard Alice's version of events, not yours, and it does good to tell people about things sometimes…"

I did, I decided. And I had the feeling that over these next few months, Jasper and I were going to find a brotherly-sisterly love that was going to be as strong as it was between Alice and I. Even more so now, because he wasn't fighting the urge to kill me all the time. Another positive. I was beginning to see more positives than negatives in my new life, and that was good.

I spilled my guts to him – the heartache, the loss, the rage, confusion, fear, panic, damage, injury, hurt… And the best part was that, when I started to describe a particular emotion, I would stop just as quickly – because I didn't need to explain it. He could feel it.

The fault line in my chest had rippled many, many times throughout the retelling, and my chest ached from everything I'd relived. But I figured it was the least I could do for him, after all he'd done and was going to do for me.

Once I had finished, he curled up into a ball, his forehead creased. He looked angry, guilty, regretful. Pensive, too, I inferred.

"Sorry I had to have you feel all those emotions, Jazz." The nickname felt nice to say: I'd never thought I would ever feel comfortable enough in his presence to use his nickname. "That can't have been nice."

"No, Bella, it wasn't, to be perfectly honest. But it's not your fault you're feeling this. I hope you can see that. It's ours, my family's, especially Edward's." I flinched a little: it was the first time either he or Alice had used his name in my presence. I'd used 'he' throughout my story.

"I was the uncontrolled fool that nearly killed you. Edward was the fool who overreacted and took us out of your life because of it. We were all the fools that went along with his bizarre scheme without protest."

I protested; "That _wasn't _the reason you left. He didn't want me anymore."

He shook his head vehemently. "No, Bella, it isn't. I can see from your story that you really think that, but you're wrong. You're in denial. Edward loves you as much as I do Alice."

My dead heart ached to believe it. But I couldn't. He couldn't possibly love _me…_

"I don't know if we're the best ones to tell you this: maybe you need to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak."

I shook my head.

"I know how it makes you feel, Bella, so I'll stop now. But don't just bury what I told you. Dwell it on a little."

I nodded. I would try, but it would be a wasted effort.

Just then, we both heard the roar of a motor, and nine seconds later, a massive black Jeep off-roader, with a _trailer_ on the back of it, rocketed up to the house.

"Alice…" I said, not sure, again whether to be bemused or angry. I settled for bemused, locking my muscles just in case. The only reason she would have a trailer, or a car for that matter, would be if she had so many things that it was impossible, even for a vampire, to balance them all. Not good.

"Hi, Bella!" she said. Before I could speak, she dragged me towards her new car. "Have a look at what I got you!"

I had been actually contemplating violence, only just stifling it because I knew the consequences of losing my temper. But it disappeared when she opened up the back of the trailer…

Books. Piles upon piles of books – it was like a mobile library in there. Thick books, thicker books, and a huge bookshelf to put them all on. There had to be at least a thousand books in there; it was _insane. _Like a mobile library.

Aaaah. But the thought of reading all of them at night, learning all of this stuff… I had distractions for a month, surely. Who knew, I might even be as intelligent as a true Cullen when I was finished with them all, someone maybe more worthy of someone like Edward.... There were textbooks in there, on biology, history, languages, mathematics… Wow… All the knowledge staggered me.

It was one of the most wonderful things I'd ever seen. One of them.

"You like it." Not a question: the answer to that was clear upon my face. "And, look…"

A laptop box sat in the back seat.

"It has wireless internet. We might have to rig up an aerial to get reception – my phone won't work out here – but I figured you might appreciate the contact with the outside world. No email, though."

I nodded, and without warning, I sprang upon her, giving her a huge hug.

"Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, Alice!"

She wasn't hugging me back, though, and I pulled away, frightened by the rejection.

"Don't panic, Bella. You're just a bit stronger than I am at the moment."

I was silent for a moment, then grinned. Wow…

"Now it's _your_ turn not to break me." She laughed, and I laughed with her. Happiness came just as strongly to newborns as grief or anger, after all. It couldn't erase anything, but it was like the feeling of drinking blood when I was this thirsty. It helped.

We were both laughing as I hugged her again, more lightly, and we grinned a little. A little more regret for my decision to change dissipated.

"Right, we'd better go and set this all up!" My sister – and it was so comfortable saying that – pulled me back toward the house. I unbolted the trailer from the car, picked it up – relishing the opportunity to use my muscles a little – and followed her.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

And, so, time passed. The months sped by, but that didn't surprise me: in the vampire world, everything went faster, and time was no exception. I welcomed the speed, because the faster life moved by, the less and less temperamental I became: the less I suffered random fits of rage, or grief, or hysteria. I lashed out at everything less and less. My eyes had faded to a darker crimson, then a dull reddish-orange, then a brighter orange, where they now hovered. It had been six months since my transformation, and I was slowly, but definitely surely, adjusting to my life as a vampire.

My days had a nice sort of routine. First, I would get out of bed, and go hunting with Alice or Jasper (the frequency of this grew less and less as time went on and I learned to manage the thirst). Then, I would go and find something to do for a couple of hours, often a run or pulverizing trees – although Alice took me into town to shop upon rare occasions, to experiment with having me around humans. It had been agonizing, but largely successful. And Jasper had, lately, taken to teaching me vampire fighting, which I was apparently quite good at. As he'd put it; "You have so much skill, Bella, but not much finesse." I'd growled and started to attack him before he finished, slightly hastily: "That's part of being a newborn, though. Trust me, you're really good – nearly as good as one of the Cullen family." Which was another perk of being a vampire: I could truly fit in with the Cullens, if they wanted me. And it was nice to know I showed promise.

I had noticed, occasionally, at night (when I didn't feel like reading and I had managed to suppress my thoughts of Edward) that the weird mind-quirk I had when I was human that protected my thoughts seemed to have morphed into a layer, of sorts. I could feel it if I really concentrated, and had made some headway in figuring out how to manipulate it... it was incredibly hard, and it frustrated me sometimes – I would shift it a little, only to have it snap back like stressed elastic – but I was trying. And getting a little better each time I did.

I'd spend a while looking online at what was going on in the world, too. News sites, new-release movies; heck, even gossip columns, and I'd always despised them. I just felt like I needed to keep the idea in my head that there was a world outside, too. It was easy to forget when you never saw it.

At or around eight o'clock, Alice and Jasper would retreat to the bedroom. I think that they were worried at the start about having sex because I could hear, and it would make me depressed, but I'd quietly mentioned to Alice a few weeks in that I didn't really mind. I didn't need to be a bigger burden on them than I had already, and I couldn't miss having that with Edward because it had never happened in the first place. It didn't hurt too much. I just took to listening to loud music, with the iPod she had also bought me, during the nights. Then I would read until the sun came up and I started all over again.

Didn't make life easy, though. Easi_er_, but not easy. The nights, although I was happy reading until the sun came up, were still very lonely. Although I was getting better at controlling them, the fits of rage still came easily to my newborn self. And I missed Charlie and Renee, too, even though I knew that did no good. I had found many positives in being a vampire, but there were still negatives I hadn't quite reconciled yet.

We were beyond cellphone coverage because we were so far from anywhere, but anytime Alice or Jasper would go anywhere with a signal, they would receive countless missed phone call and texts from the rest of the Cullens, particularly Esme. They all pleaded with her and Jasper to come home, or at least tell them where they had gone. And although I couldn't see what the big deal with keeping me away from the family was, I knew that they missed each other dearly, and I voiced that opinion on many occasions, Alice remained resolute.

"Bella, Jasper and I can handle you. I _would_ take you back to the rest of our family, but then Edward would have to come and he would know we changed you: even if we hid you, he would still hear the evidence in our minds. And I am a bit of a coward, so I don't want him to see you until he absolutely has to. Edward makes split-second decisions to come back, too, so that makes it harder.

You're also not ready to integrate yourself into the life of the Cullens, interacting freely with humans, just yet. I _will_ take you there when you've matured a bit, I promise."

There was another reason that she had, I knew, but she'd only ever voiced it once because I had flown off the handle the first time she had voiced it.

"…when you've matured a bit, I promise… And, when Edward sees you again and you have a big mushy loved-up reunion scene, I want you to sort of not have red eyes."

My eyes had narrowed dangerously, and my newborn anger caught me off guard.

"_ALICE! _I _know _that you think for some crazy, messed-up reason that Edward's still

in love with me, but you're _wrong _and _I'm getting sick of hearing that it's the other way around!_ I _know _that it's impossible because Edward could never want someone like me! _Every time_ you tell me otherwise, you carve out another nub in my chest! And _do you know why? _You're creating a hope, a false hope that can never come to fruition, so it _dies _in my heart because I know it's _doomed from the outset! _Do you think that it's _easy_ for me to accept that I'll be in love _forever_ with someone so perfect they could _never_ love me back? Is it _simple _that I have _no idea what I am going to do _when I see him again? You fell in love and you were loved back; you have _no idea_ of the word _unrequited. _So spare me all of the romantic _crap, _and start to realise that I'm probably going to just get _rejected _and spend my life _alone_. You have _no idea_. Don't _ever_ bring it up again."

Jasper had intervened then – and I knew, once I had calmed down, that I had been really out of line, so I did apologise profusely. But my words, I think, still lingered. Neither Alice nor Jasper told me any more lies about Edward loving me.

And, my final problem was the one I'd demonstrated somewhat to Alice: the hole in my chest hadn't healed any. The pain was slightly dulled by Alice and Jasper, but I still felt terribly, terribly hollow.

But a few of these problems were correcting themselves in the passage of time. It would be a couple of months before I finished really being a newborn, according to Alice. My eyes would turn amber (I wasn't sure whether I wanted golden eyes, though; they would probably remind me of Edward). I would be able to be around humans again. And I would really get to join the Cullen family, if what Alice and Jasper said about them welcoming me with open arms was true. I was so excited about becoming a Cullen.

I had no idea what was going to happen between Edward and I, but he apparently had been spending a lot of time roaming the world, so maybe that wouldn't matter. Best-case scenario: I only got my chest ripped in half every couple of months. And that I could deal with, I thought.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

My eyes were now amber, my thirst was under control, my emotions under wraps. I knew it had to be coming, but it was still a sort of pleasant surprise when Alice sat down in front of me with a shirt in her hand. I could smell it… and it was strong, tempting, but I stayed in control of myself. Quite easily, too, I noted with contentment.

"Alice, what-"

Without warning, she leaped at me and pressed the shirt into my face. I recoiled a little in surprise, but resisted the urge to fight her off. I simply sat as she held the shirt to my face, breathing evenly in and out. My throat burned and venom gushed through my mouth, but I ignored it. It was fine.

She could see that, too, from the relaxed stance I held and the fact that I wasn't attacking her. Or the shirt. Her smile was very wide, as was Jasper's behind her. I knew what that meant.

"I'm finished, aren't I?"

She got up and did a little pirouette. "Yes! Oh, I'm so excited to have you come and see everyone, they miss you, they miss me, I miss them, _we_ miss them. Let's pack!"

Jasper mussed her hair. "Let's."

Her eagerness was infectious: I found myself smiling as we darted around the house, packing up everything. Even though we were vampires, it took us a good ten minutes to finish because of the thousands of books I had accumulated. The room I had woken up in was stacked floor-to-ceiling with them. Fitting them into the three cars and six trailers – two to each car – was difficult, but we got there in the end. Woe betide us if the police pulled us over.

Driving proved to be difficult through the unruly forest, so we ran – tugging the cars and trailers behind us – as we went. I was a little bit annoyed to find that this was slightly harder than it had been a couple of months ago, but not really. It was indicative of things that were better than brute strength. Control. Maturity.

We had reached the road half an hour later – the cars, the forest, and the distance we had to run slowed us down. We took a car each (Alice insisted on driving the beloved 911 Turbo she'd picked up), and drove, a lesson I'd learned easily from Jasper a week ago. I was a good driver, typical of a vampire. They just both complained I went too slow.

Once we were inside cellphone coverage, we called each other on speaker and had a nice little conversation for the rest of the trip. Alice talked, mostly, animated as always. Upon arrival at the airport, she was still a bundle of energy as she was stopped from bouncing up and down in her seat (first-class, obviously) by Jasper. For the ten-hour flight, I just turned down all the food offered to me and focused part of my concentration on the movie playing, and part on getting used to the scent of the two hundred or so humans on the plane. Not on whether the Cullens were going to accept me, and what would happen if they didn't. Not on Charlie or Renee, both of whom would be absolutely frantic by now. And especially not on Edward. That was asking for trouble. It had become familiar, doing all this, though some of it not easy by any means. Some of it was, though.

Three movies, a few light-hearted conversations with Alice and Jasper, and a whole lot of memory suppression later, we were stepping off the plane and into a pitch-black night in Ithaca. We had hired six drivers to deliver our now-six (Alice had picked up a few extras to avoid arrest) cars to New York at Alice's insistence – she had also paid the drivers a little extra to keep quiet about the probably-dangerous library's worth of books hanging off the back of each. She had wanted to get to New York as fast as possible, and flying was even faster than running. I had wanted to run – I loved running – but she had insisted. She had wanted to get there as fast as possible.

As we walked out of the Tompkins Airport, I turned and hugged both Alice and Jasper, suddenly and as tightly as I was capable of.

"What was that for?" asked Alice as I relinquished my grip. She grinned and hugged me herself as she foresaw my answer. Jasper patted my hair, too: he could feel the crushing appreciation and gratefulness tearing through me.

I loved these two like family, and that was only intensified by my stronger vampire emotions. They _were_ family, and I was as happy as I was capable of that they had _wanted_ me to be part of _their_ family – to the point where they had put up with me being a lousy newborn for months on end.

I voiced all of this, with a quiet, simple "Thankyou" on the end.

Alice put one arm around my shoulder and one around Jasper's, and we walked into the carpark together. Like a family does.

A visit to the car depot and a few motorbikes (Alice's idea, and Jasper backed her up, to much incredulousness from me) later, we were weaving through traffic, at speeds only vampires would dare achieve, to the Cullen house – or castle, as it turned out – in a forest to the north of the city. Because it was night-time, all the Cullens would be there – even though Carlisle was teaching nights, Alice had seen that he would be home tonight. The death of one of his colleagues had halted all that for a week.

The thought of having to face all of them was intimidating, to say the least. A million different questions raced through my head: Would they take me in? What would happen if they didn't? Would they be mad at Alice and Jasper for what they had done? Would they have the same stupid idea in their heads as the two of them, that Edward loved and wanted me? Would they even _recognize_ me when they first saw me?

My head spun and I actually was reminded of human nausea, until Jasper smoothed it over and I felt myself relax.

"Everything is going to be fine, Bells." The nickname sounded right. "Trust me, they will all love you. This _will_ wok out perfectly."

I found myself comforted, especially because he was probably basing his opinions on what Alice had seen. And, as I myself attested to, her visions were rarely false.

But even that couldn't stop me panicking as we drove up the drive. Jasper growled under his breath – it was probably hard, even for him, to stop the raw terror coursing through me. He jumped off the bike and put a hand on my shoulder. We were just outside hearing distance of the house –we would run the rest of the way.

"Bella, it'll be fine. Stop."

I took a shaky breath and nodded. Physical contact with Jasper seemed to intensify his gift, and I certainly wasn't complaining.

"All right if I hold Jasper's hand, Alice?"

She laughed. "Fine by me."

She took his other hand, and we sped to the castle. Esme had only finished doing it up two weeks ago. It was gorgeous, according to Alice, and from what I could see of it so far I couldn't help but agree with her. It was a different kind of beauty to their old house in Forks – that was a delicate, feminine beauty. Here, the beauty lay in its strong pillars, its solid, design, its towers. A slightly more masculine type of beauty, but breathtaking nonetheless. Much like its occupants, I guessed, though I the castle couldn't come close in comparison. I could see obvious signs of decay and repair, all of it masterful and preserving the original design ideas. Esme really was exceptionally talented.

It was as terrifying as the cottage had been at first. I was scared I was going to rip Jasper's hand off, I was holding it so tightly.

"Calm." We were at the door, Alice pushing it open slowly…


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

The interior of the house was just as gorgeous as I had anticipated. There was rich woodwork everywhere I looked, with mosaic-tiled fireplaces and beamed cathedral ceilings. The furnishings had an antique but comfortable look to them, and the woodwork was carved beautifully in places. It felt comforting and authentic.

It took maybe ten seconds for all of the house's occupants to appear: I knew why. It was nighttime; it didn't take a genius to figure it out. Interruptions to that sort of thing take a moment to prepare for.

But soon, they were all standing there, fully clothed. Maybe another half a second passed before they all descended upon Alice and Jasper, hugging and laughing. I stood back for their wonderful reunion; I knew at once they hadn't recognised me. That was fine, I hadn't recognised me either.

Esme was talking to Alice as she kissed her forehead. "You will _never_ do that to me again," she nearly growled.

Alice grinned, repentant. "Sorry, Mom."

"Oh, it's so _good_ to have you back again… I missed you so much…" She was crying tearless sobs now, her entire body shaking with them.

"So, where have you been?" Carlisle's tone was just a little bit sterner.

"And who are _you_?" asked Rosalie pointedly. Gulp. Rosalie had always been frosty towards me, I knew that Alice and Jasper forcing me on them wasn't the best way to improve that…

Alice sat on the couch, tight-lipped, and everyone joined her. "This is a friend, a sister, and someone who I've missed dearly and who I hope you'll welcome into the family; it's my dearest wish." They all just looked confused. "This… is Bella Swan."

Moment of truth.

Esme and Carlisle's faces both lit up in expressions of purest joy, and Emmett's was ecstatic too. But Rosalie's was stony, closed.

There was a moment of suspension, where I stood there, biting my lower lip.

But then, like a dream, Esme's arms were around me, and she was hugging me. The comfort of a mother; something I'd never felt. It had always been the other way around.

"Is it _really_ you, Bella?" I nodded. She was sobbing into my shoulder. "_Oh_! I can't believe this, you're here and you're so beautiful… Alice, Jasper, was this where you were?" They nodded.

"We were hoping Bella would become part of our family." Alice added.

"You're more than forgiven, you two. And I have a new daughter! I don't believe it! Oh, Bella! I'm so happy you're here, it broke my heart when we left you…"

Carlisle was hugging both of us. "Of course you can join us, Bella… Cullen." I felt weak at the knees; Cullen! "I love you like my own daughter, and-"

Alice stepped on his foot; I knew what he had been about to say, and stiffened. He looked confused, but stopped talking nonetheless.

"I have another little sister!" boomed Emmett, affectionately

"So, tell us how this happened!" said Esme. I had rarely seen her so happy. It was almost like I was a bright spot in what had been a bad experience over the last year… Hmmm. "But, wait, no, you're a mess, dear. Why don't you go and clean up, then we can sit down?" I had had many hours on planes and motorbikes and in cars, but the mess part didn't refer to just that if I was reading her tone correctly.

"Great idea. Why don't you take your Harley and go and pick up a couple of trailers?" Alice suggested.

I wasn't stupid; I could catch the extra motivation behind her words. Let's get Bella out of here so we can talk to Rosalie and moan about how Bella's in some serious denial about Edward. Mmph. Oh well, I would rather they not talk about Edward in front of me, so them not mentioning it suited me fine. I decided to let it slide; let Alice and Jasper tell whatever version of events they wanted. Time would reveal the truth behind their optimistic falsehoods.

"Where should I put all of it?" I replied, simply.

Esme's brow furrowed. "This is a huge building, Bella. You can have whatever room you want, all of them are done up, now... I'll have one made over for you."

"Thankyou, Esme. That really means a lot. And for taking me in, I don't know how to thank you…"

"Being here is thanks enough, dear, believe you me."

Alice smiled; standing next to me, she murmured "Told you so." Out loud; "Bella has a library's worth of books, too. Is there anywhere they could go? The banquet hall, the ballroom?"

"That big?"

I would have been tomato red by now if I still had blood to fill my cheeks. "It doesn't matter, really. I can find somewhere else for them…"

Esme actually laughed. "You're family now, Bella, what's ours is yours. And there's far too much room for us here, so the ballroom is all yours."

I couldn't believe I deserved this degree of good fortune. I just cried on her shoulder, so happy at having been accepted, part of the Cullen family now. Bella Cullen! I felt most of the remaining regret for my transformation slip away as I cried in her arms. I couldn't stop mumbling "Oh, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou…"

She hugged me. "Right back at you, Bella."

Emmett boomed from behind me: "So do I get to hug my new little sis now?"

I hugged him, tightly. He gave a slightly surprised "Wow, not so scrawny anymore are you?"

"Nope."

After a few more minutes of hugging and happiness, during which Alice would silence any possible mention of Edward, I got up and announced I would go and get the cars. I think Alice knew that I knew the gist of what she was about to say, but she could also deduce that if I had a problem with it, I would have told her.

It took me about an hour to finish the task, which I knew was plenty of time for Alice and Jasper to give everyone a full blow-by-blow. It took so long because we (we! The Cullen family!) were a fair way from the city, plus I was deliberately going slowly because I wanted to give them time.

After dropping off the sixth trailer of books, I proceeded to cart each of them carefully through the wooden ballroom doors (they lead to a small outdoor courtyard – the setup was perfect for not knocking anything over with the huge trailers) and unpacking and piling up the books. When I'd finished, I stood in the middle of all of it and sighed. Perfect.

They filtered in through the doors then, and looked around. Carlisle chuckled.

"I had one hundred years to build my collection of books, but yours puts me to shame! I might have to borrow some…" He appeared cheerful, but it was a little different. An edge of pity ran across his features, as did everyone else's. Except Rose, who was absent.

"I'll have to convert this ballroom now, won't I? Bookshelves, brighter lighting, reading nook…"

"You don't have to go to all that bother for me, Esme, if you don't want to…"

"Nonsense, I'd like nothing more. It will make you happy, and it will give me a project to work on now that I'm done with the rest of the place. Project_s_! I'll have to do your bedroom, too. You'll have to pick which room, next. There are fourteen to choose from, though!"

I smiled. Sounded good. And it was so nice to see her happy like that. There was a vein of sadness still in her, from something I couldn't pinpoint.

We browsed down the hallway. "Pick a room, dear, and I'll give you some basics to settle for the night with. It was a long day; we can talk tomorrow."

"Thankyou, Esme. And this is without a doubt one of the most beautiful buildings I've ever been in; it's stunning. I can't believe I can call this place… home." Home.

"Thankyou, dear," she said warmly.

I ran my fingers lightly along the walls as we walked. I stopped at a door, where I could hear the river outside and the gentle rustling of trees. "This one?" I asked, tentatively.

"Taken, sorry, Bella… that's Edward's."

I knew instantly I wasn't going anywhere near that room. I wrapped my arms around my chest.

We walked the whole way across, to the other wing of the castle, before I stopped at a second door.

"This one's fine," she said as we walked around in it. It was cream-coloured, with a good amount of space, with the windows showing a beautiful view of the garden. The furniture was already there, and there was an ensuite that opened up from the side of it, as I suspected would be the same for all the rooms.

I loved it. A little bit of a departure from the theme of the rest of the castle, but I loved it. Slightly minimalist, homely, and what was there was perfect. Not big or grand – neither of those suited me – but just comfortable and cosy.

"Not fine, Esme… beautiful."

"I'm glad you think so, dear, I didn't know how abandoning the 'castle' theme would fly."

"I absolutely love it… can I have this one?"

"All yours. I don't even have to do anything; it's fully furnished already. It even has a couple of bookshelves!" She laughed. "I'll leave you to yourself; I know it's been a long day for you. And thankyou, from the bottom of my heart, for coming. You don't know what it means to me."

"You don't know what it means to _me_ to have you accept me into your family. Thank_you_."

"You're always welcome. You know you're one of us now... We'll talk more in the morning, okay?"

I nodded – one last hug, and she was gone. I pulled out _War and Peace_ and began to read, my first true smile in months plastered over my face. I was one of them now.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I knew, despite my optimistic mood last night, that there were going to be teething problems in the morning. Mainly Rosalie, and maybe Edward too, I didn't know. All of them, apart from Rosalie, trickled into the family room as the morning went on – I was up an hour earlier than the rest of them – and we all sat around the coffee table. Carlisle was the first to speak – he was the family's natural leader.

"First off, Bella, I would like the opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming here and consenting to join this family. The past years can't have been easy for you, I know.

Secondly, I would like to apologise for the way we left you that September. It was the wrong thing to do, and we should have put up more resistance than we did. It was not our decision, but it was our decision to go along with what Edward wanted, and I am so very sorry that it left you in the state it did for a year. Alice has told us of how you were, are, and that is a horror that I regret, a horror I have seen on your face and-" we both tensed "– Edward's." How could they all be so _wrong_? Edward was fine. He was travelling the world, carefree. He certainly wasn't thinking of me.

"Alice has also told us of your impressions of Edward's feelings and how set in stone they are, and we have all agreed not to comment further, aside from saying now that you are very wrong." Impossible. "Keeping your version of events, what would you like to do now that you are a Cullen? You are welcome to do whatever you wish, we will back you up in any way we can."

I felt my heart swell as I looked upon all of these astonishing faces. Could I have asked for a better life?

Well, yes, but the other scenario wasn't realistic, I berated myself.

_You didn't think _this_ was possible _or_ realistic at one point,_ I thought to myself, unbidden. Where had that come from?

But Carlisle was still waiting for an answer. And I did have one, actually, one I had been thinking about for all those months.

"I… was looking at the English course at Cornell, and there's a course there that offers a joint MFA and Ph.D., and I think I could do it. It's a fair amount of work, but that's good. And Alice saw that my marks are plenty good enough for me to et in there. But it's prestigious, I need good marks in everything and three letters of recommendation and some massive fees, I'm sure… And they only accept about twelve students each year, and only two in that particular course… But I've done all the things I can for acceptance, an application, creative writing samples, poetry, critical. But I would only be willing to do it if you were willing for me to do it."

"That sounds fantastic, Bella. I know I could pull some strings with some of the professors over there to get you in, although I doubt you'll need it. Some of those books in your library are too advanced for some of your professors, I would estimate." I couldn't help but be flattered by that comment. "Thankyou, Carlisle, it's lovely of you to say."

He smiled. "It's the truth. How long would that course take to complete and how much does it cost?"

"Five years for humans, but I could scale it down to one, and I don't exactly know how much but it's expensive-"

"Money is no object, I can assure you, Bella. What's your estimate?"

"About 50,000 dollars per year." I looked at the floor, I couldn't help myself.

"Not a problem. I'll get everything together today, and although you need three letters of application, I think I could write one, Jasper, as a student there, could write the other…?" Jasper nodded at our enquiring glances. "Excellent. And maybe we could forge another, so they're not all from the Cullen family."

"Sounds good. Thankyou, so much."

"It's our pleasure, Bella.

Next topic. I have to ask, how do you intend treating this situation?"

"How do you mean?"

"Are we to be your family – do you want to completely abandon your human life? We could draw up some forged documents and adopt you formally if that would be what you wished. If you wanted something a little less permanent, though, we are more than happy to be a place to stay while you get your head around things. Or we could find a middle ground."

I found his use of the phrase 'a little less permanent' interesting, I reflected. As if the fact that I was a vampire wasn't permanent.

"I would like to have the first option, please, Carlisle – I want to fully be a member of your family. It was always a dream of mine."

He looked very happy to hear that. "Are you sure?"

I gave a twisted smile. "I think so. Know so. I've certainly had enough time to think about it."

He chuckled. "I suppose so! I know you're legally an adult, but I personally think it would be nice to formally have you a part of the family before anything else. Your birthday's in a month, so we'll peg you at turning eighteen then, and adopt you in the meantime. Sound like a plan?" I nodded my agreement. "I'll get all of that started today, then, and all of the Cornell stuff too. We'll have you settled quickly, I promise."

"Thankyou so much, Carlisle," I said, giving him a hug. "All of this means more to me than I can say."

"Not a problem. It's still _us_ thanking _you_.

And one more topic; Rosalie. She's none too pleased about your presence here, but she's in love herself; she understands. She probably won't be pleasant, but she's promised to be polite. She'll explain more directly to you, herself, I suppose."

Thoroughly mystified, but accepting, I nodded. "Great. Thanks."

"Not a problem – that's everything, I guess. I'll go and organise those documents, they'll be ready in a week. Jasper, are you okay with writing the letter? And then maybe going and seeing J to get some death certificates?"

Oh, God. My parents' death certificates. I knew that was necessary, but it didn't make me feel too good about myself.

"Of course, Carlisle, I'll do that."

"Thankyou."

"Who's J?" I interjected.

"He's one of the best at document forgery in the country. We go to him every time we move, or need to do this type of thing. You can come with me to meet him if you want to."

"Sounds good."

"Excellent!" Alice said. "Well, we have a plan for the next year!"

We certainly did. I felt a nice feeling of security at the thought.

"Brilliant, isn't it?" Esme was happy, and so was everyone else, except Rosalie. And I would have a talk with her somewhere, and maybe we could become a little closer as sisters. She continued; "Do you want a tour of the house now? I'd love to give you one." I nodded.

Alice, ball of energy that she was, started planning my day. "And once we're done, you can go with Jasper to J, then maybe you could perfect your application to Cornell, but we'll have to wait while J finishes those documents to do that and the adoption ones, so you can say you're adopted on the application. We'll rent a movie or something tonight, if there's nothing else happening."

And my first day as a Cullen was planned, just like that.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

"So, Esme, how did you get hold of this place?"

"It's a long story, dear, this place was built a long time ago – it's even on the national register Of Historic Places!

But in a nutshell, the land was originally the site of a Seneca Indian village. Fifty men worked for four years to build it. It was originally owned by a Mrs. Collins, and it was passed on to her grandson, who lived in it for a while, but sold it to Carlisle – under the name of Cornelius J. Dwyer – in 1932. We decided to keep it a while – I'd only just joined the family – and it's only now we've come back and started doing work on it.

So anyway, we began an expansion on it two years ago, and we added on about 30,000 square feet. We put in a ballroom – for no other reason than because I wanted to see what having a ballroom felt like, I'm glad it's being put to good use!"

"We also put on a winemaking facility because we're surrounded by vineyards here, and Carlisle suggested it might me a nice thing to do when it's sunny and we can't be out in public. It's going quite well, really, it's a nice little hobby. It involves a bit of science too, and I think he enjoys that fusion of science and nature."

"Sounds like Carlisle," I agreed, as we walked in and out of bedrooms, ensuites, sitting rooms. Everywhere I looked, there were antique furnishings, gorgeous pieces of art work, and oriental rugs. It would have been easy for the castle to be bleak and dim on the inside, but Esme had brought brightness to every room with skylights, windows, fireplaces, and bright artificial light. It was truly amazing.

"Most of the wood panelling and carving is authentic," she continued as we walked up a flight of stairs to the third and final floor, "but all of the furnishings had rotted away with age, which was a real shame, because they were all very ornate and elegant. But I tried to replicate my memories of them accurately. It was a little tricky – I had to draw each piece from memory – but it was fun. I've got to keep myself occupied somehow!"

I smiled. "You did an amazing job, Esme. It looks so authentic…"

"Thankyou, dear. And I think we're about done, too. And Jasper will want to get going, too. You'd better not keep him waiting."

"Thanks for the tour, Esme."

"Anytime, dear."

I bounded down the three flights of stairs, to Jasper, who was waiting at the door.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

"It's amazing. Easily one of the most incredible buildings I've been lucky enough to be in."

Esme patted me on the shoulder. "You're too kind, Bella."

"But perfectly truthful," said Alice. "This is one of the nicest we've ever been in, Esme, easily."

She brought both of us into a hug. "It's even nicer now Bella's here." After kissing me on the cheek, she let us go, and I walked to the car with Jasper.

He had got an Audi Le Mans Quattro in Alaska, and I had a Ferrari F430, which was pretty, fast, and totally unsuited to me. But Alice was buying fast cars, so I figured one was as bad as the next. She'd called it the 'after car'.

A couple of hours by plane, and I was in a rather unremarkable beige office, with a normal plastic receptionist, in a commonplace building. Usually the sort of setting that means lawlessness, I supposed. Keep it overbearingly typical and no-one suspects you.

Jasper was standing next to me, rolling his eyes. An average man – short, plump, balding – sat in front of me, wringing his hands nervously. Jasper had been filling the room with waves of incredible tension, horror, and fear, to scare him enough to not tell anyone about the mysteriously ageless Cullen family, I supposed.

"The usual, Mr. Cullen? Drivers' licences, birth certificates?"

"How many times have you been to see this man?" I asked him under my breath.

"Only about five or so."

"He's really scared of you."

"I don't like it any more than you do, but it's necessary to keep him scared to keep the Volturi off our backs."

"True, I guess."

Out loud, he said in a pleasant tone, quite in contrast with the emotional climate, "No, not the usual. Two death certificates and a police record."

"Certainly. Names? Dates? Cause? Married? Occupation? Birthplace?"

The questions went on and on, and I sank into a chair as I rattled off all the information he needed. It didn't feel right, when they were still alive and well. But it had to be done, to seal off the story – part of being a Cullen. Mom and Dad were dead now, for all intents and purposes – in a car crash on the way to the park. Phil had been in the car, too, just in case he could be ordered to take care of me. It was a weak story, but that didn't really matter, according to Jasper, considering that I was about to become a legal adult anyway.

"Trust me, Bella," he said on the plane home. We'd be back in two weeks to pick the documents up, then we'd start adoption proceedings. "The courts will think that there's not much point bothering when you're going to turn seventeen in a month, Bella. They'll wonder why we've bothered in the first place, really."

Which made sense.

We touched down in Ithaca again soon after, and when we were home, I perfected my Cornell application. Carlisle and Jasper's letters were excellent, full of academic praise, as was Mr. Berty's letter that Esme had written. Hers was the funniest – because it wasn't actually her writing it, mostly – but it was really factual and had everything the Cornell English administrators would want to know about me. It made the whole package perfect, and as I sent the application email, I truly felt that maybe, just maybe, I would be in with a chance.

TWO MONHS LATER

It was September 13, my birthday, and I had already had a pretty wonderful surprise: my letter of acceptance from Cornell had come through! I was going to an Ivy League college, in a prestigious course, the one person chosen to study for a mixed degree. I felt tremendously proud, especially when I compared it to my birthday last year, which I had completely ignored and asked Alice and Jasper to do the same. I felt a little better with a family now, though, so I had consented to its recognition, at the very least. And Alice had understood when I had told her not to plan a party or give me presents; that would have been far too much for me to cope with, even if Edward was here and he loved me. So it was with perfect contentment that I just happily received the "Happy Birthday, Bella!", from all of my family, and enjoyed my birthday hunt. That was nice and simple, and all I really wanted. When Rosalie's birthday came around in another month, she would have enough grandeur to make up for twenty of my plainer birthdays, I thought. And I was over the moon to be given my college fees for the year as a birthday present from everyone. It was one of the best gifts I had ever been given, even at Carlisle's (now my legal father) insistence that it didn't need to be a present, they would have just given it to me anyway.

Rosalie had, true to her word, been polite to me for the last month, but that had been about it. Whenever she could avoid me, she did. I was waiting for her to say something to me, but it hadn't come. I didn't see how I was going to deal with an eternity of that, but I, in my cowardice, hadn't approached her. Carlisle had told me that I didn't need to, that she needed to be ready first. And I could understand that she didn't quite trust me yet.

Emmett had no such qualms, however; I knew he relished the idea of having another little sister, and we practised our fighting skills on each other often. I beat him most of the time, and I was starting to have the occasional win against Jasper, too, which was incredible considering that he was probably one of the best fighters in the vampire world.

We were sitting around the television the night of my birthday when Alice's face went suddenly blank, then lit up in an expression of unmistakeable happiness.

"What was that, Alice? Certainly made you perky."

Her face looked even more pixie-ish and beautiful when she smiled like she did now. She seemed to consider something before she spoke.

"My custom-made shoes are ready from Manolo Blahnik!" What was she considering, then…? I'd had plenty of practice reading her face, and I sensed that she wasn't being fully truthful with me. But I knew better than to ask.

"That's good news," I said instead, and turned back towards the television. I wasn't really lively anymore, and this probably wouldn't have made me excited even if half my dead heart wasn't missing. I knew the way I was 'blank' worried everyone in my family, but there was only one cure for it, and it was never going to happen.

The credits rolled, and I rolled too, off the couch.

"Thanks for a great birthday, everyone, it was exactly what I wanted it to be."

"You're welcome, Bella," they all replied.

I read On The Origin Of Species in bed, and wondered what was up with Alice, but not too much. The future was going to happen anyway, so there wasn't much point.

With a start, I heard Rosalie's footsteps outside the door. She opened it a crack, her face lovely in the moonlight. "Can I come in?"

(A/N: All of the castle descriptions and photos, except for Bella's room, are taken directly from an actual castle that is actually north of Ithaca… so far north it's actually Geneva, but we'll ignore that. It's called Belfast Castle. The history is accurate up to the Cornelius J. Dwyer part – his name was actually Cornelius J. Dwyer, but obviously he wasn't actually Carlisle. It's a hotel and restaurant today, and the current owners did actually add on about 30,000 square feet of ballroom and winemaking facility. Neat, huh? More can be read about it on .com.)


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

(A/N: The first part of this chapter is borrowed from _Eclipse_ – that's all Stephenie Meyer, I take no credit. If you've read it, know the story, and don't want to read it again, feel free to skip to around the part where Rosalie tells Bella "You had the choice I didn't have, and you chose _wrong_!" It starts to deviate from _Eclipse_ then.)

"Of course," I replied, a little mystified. "Come on in."

I sat up, moving to the other end of the bed to make room. My stomach twisted nervously as the one Cullen who did not like me moved silently to sit down in the open space.

"Do you mind me talking for a few minutes?" she asked. "I'm not disturbing you, am I? Her eyes moved to my book."

"Sure, we can talk."

"Please don't think I'm horribly interfering," she said, her voice gentle, and almost pleading. She folded her hands in her lap and looked down at them as she spoke. "I'm sure I've hurt your feelings enough in the past, and I don't want to do that again."

I just nodded.

"I think you've heard all of the stories about how the rest of my – our – family came to be the way we are. But were you ever told what lead to _this_?" she asked, gesturing to her glorious immortal body.

I nodded slowly, suddenly somber. "_He_, Edward, said it was close to what happened to me that time in Port Angeles, only no one was there to save _you_." I shuddered at the memory.

"Is that really all he told you?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, my voice blank with confusion. "Was there more?"

She looked up at me and smiled; it was a harsh, bitter, — but still stunning — expression.

"Yes," she said. "There was more."

I waited while she stared out the window. She seemed to be trying to calm herself.

"Would you like to hear my story, Bella? It doesn't have a happy ending — but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we'd all be under gravestones now."

I nodded, though I was frightened by the edge in her voice.

"I lived in a different world than you do, Bella. My human world was a much simpler place. It was nineteen thirty-three. I was eighteen, and I was beautiful. My life was perfect."

She stared out the window at the silver clouds, her expression far away.

"My parents were thoroughly middle class. My father had a stable job in a bank, something I realize now that he was smug about — he saw his prosperity as a reward for talent and hard work, rather than acknowledging the luck involved. I took it all for granted then; in my home, it was as if the Great Depression was only a troublesome rumor. Of course I saw the poor people, the ones who weren't as lucky. My father left me with the impression that they'd brought their troubles on themselves.

"It was my mother's job to keep our house — and myself and my two younger brothers — in spotless order. It was clear that I was both her first priority and her favorite. I didn't fully understand at the time, but I was always vaguely aware that my parents weren't satisfied with what they had, even if it was so much more than most. They wanted more. They had social aspirations — social climbers, I suppose you could call them. My beauty was like a gift to them. They saw so much more potential in it than I did.

"They weren't satisfied, but I was. I was thrilled to be me, to be Rosalie Hale. Pleased that men's eyes watched me everywhere I went, from the year I turned twelve. Delighted that my girlfriends sighed with envy when they touched my hair. Happy that my mother was proud of me and that my father liked to buy me pretty dresses.

"I knew what I wanted out of life, and there didn't seem to be any way that I wouldn't get exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be loved, to be adored. I wanted to have a huge, flowery wedding, where everyone in town would watch me walk down the aisle on my father's arm and think I was the most beautiful thing they'd ever seen. Admiration was like air to me, Bella. I was silly and shallow, but I was content." She smiled, amused at her own evaluation.

"My parents' influence had been such that I also wanted the material things of life. I wanted a big house with elegant furnishings that someone else would clean and a modern kitchen that someone else would cook in. As I said, shallow. Young and very shallow. And I didn't see any reason why I wouldn't get these things.

"There were a few things I wanted that were more meaningful. One thing in particular. My very closest friend was a girl named Vera. She married young, just seventeen. She married a man my parents would never have considered for me — a carpenter. A year later she had a son, a beautiful little boy with dimples and curly black hair. It was the first time I'd ever felt truly jealous of anyone else in my entire life."

She looked at me with unfathomable eyes. "It was a different time. I was the same age as you, but I was ready for it all. I yearned for my own little baby. I wanted my own house and a husband who would kiss me when he got home from work — just like Vera. Only I had a very different kind of house in mind. . . ."

It was hard for me to imagine the world that Rosalie had known – her story sounded more like a fairy tale than history to me.

Rosalie sighed, and when she spoke again her voice was different, the wistfulness gone. The hard edge got harder.

"In Rochester, there was one royal family — the Kings, ironically enough. Royce King owned the bank my father worked at, and nearly every other really profitable business in town. That's how his son, Royce King the Second" — her mouth twisted around the name, it came out through her teeth — "saw me the first time. He was going to take over at the bank, and so he began overseeing the different positions. Two days later, my mother conveniently forgot to send my father's lunch to work with him. I remember being confused when she insisted that I wear my white organza and roll my hair up just to run over to the bank." Rosalie laughed, without humor.

"I didn't notice Royce watching me particularly. Everyone watched me. But that night the first of the roses came. Every night of our courtship, he sent a bouquet of roses to me. My room was always overflowing with them. It got to the point that I would smell like roses when I left the house.

"Royce was handsome, too. He had lighter hair than I did, and pale blue eyes. He said my eyes were like violets, and then those started showing up alongside the roses.

"My parents approved — that's putting it mildly. This was everything they'd dreamed of. And Royce seemed to be everything I'd dreamed of. The fairy tale prince, come to make me a princess. Everything I wanted, yet it was still no more than I expected. We were engaged before I'd known him for two months.

"We didn't spend a great deal of time alone with each other. Royce told me he had many responsibilities at work, and, when we were together, he liked people to look at us, to see me on his arm. I liked that, too. There were lots of parties, dancing, and pretty dresses. When you were a King, every door was open for you, every red carpet rolled out to greet you.

"It wasn't a long engagement. Plans went ahead for the most lavish wedding. It was going to be everything I'd ever wanted. I was completely happy. When I called at Vera's, I no longer felt jealous. I pictured my fair-haired children playing on the huge lawns of the Kings' estate, and I pitied her."

Rosalie broke off suddenly, clenching her teeth together. It pulled me out of her story, and I realized that the horror was not far off. There would be no happy ending, as she'd promised. I wondered if this was why she had so much more bitterness in her than the rest of them — because she'd been within reach of everything she'd wanted when her human life was cut short.

"I was at Vera's that night," Rosalie whispered. Her face was smooth as marble, and as hard. "Her little Henry really was adorable, all smiles and dimples — he was just sitting up on his own. Vera walked me to the door as I was leaving, her baby in her arms and her husband at her side, his arm around her waist. He kissed her on the cheek when he thought I wasn't looking. That bothered me. When Royce kissed me, it wasn't quite the same — not so sweet somehow. . . . I shoved that thought aside. Royce was my prince. Someday, I would be queen."

Her bone white face got paler.

"It was dark in the streets, the lamps already on. I hadn't realized how late it was." She continued to whisper almost inaudibly. "It was cold, too. Very cold for late April. The wedding was only a week away, and I was worrying about the weather as I hurried home — I can remember that clearly. I remember every detail about that night. I clung to it so hard . . . in the beginning. I thought of nothing else. And so I remember this, when so many pleasant memories have faded away completely. . . ."

She sighed, and began whispering again. "Yes, I was worrying about the weather. . . . I didn't want to have to move the wedding indoors. . . .

"I was a few streets from my house when I heard them. A cluster of men under a broken streetlamp, laughing too loud. Drunk. I wished I'd called my father to escort me home, but the way was so short, it seemed silly. And then he called my name.

"'Rose!' he yelled, and the others laughed stupidly.

"I hadn't realized the drunks were so well dressed. It was Royce and some of his friends, sons of other rich men.

"'Here's my Rose!' Royce shouted, laughing with them, sounding just as stupid. 'You're late. We're cold, you've kept us waiting so long.'"

"I'd never seen him drink before. A toast, now and then, at a party. He'd told me he didn't like champagne. I hadn't realized that he preferred something much stronger.

"He had a new friend — the friend of a friend, come up from Atlanta.

"'What did I tell you, John,' Royce crowed, grabbing my arm and pulling me closer. 'Isn't she lovelier than all your Georgia peaches?'

"The man named John was dark-haired and suntanned. He looked me over like I was a horse he was buying.

"'It's hard to tell,' he drawled slowly. 'She's all covered up.'

"They laughed, Royce like the rest.

"Suddenly, Royce ripped my jacket from my shoulders — it was a gift from him — popping the brass buttons off. They scattered all over the street.

"'Show him what you look like, Rose!' He laughed again and then he tore my hat out of my hair. The pins wrenched my hair from the roots, and I cried out in pain. They seemed to enjoy that — the sound of my pain. . . ."

Rosalie looked at me suddenly, as if she'd forgotten I was there. I was sure my face was as white as hers. The whitest of vampires.

"I won't make you listen to the rest," she said quietly. "They left me in the street, still laughing as they stumbled away. They thought I was dead. They were teasing Royce that he would have to find a new bride. He laughed and said he'd have to learn some patience first.

"I waited in the road to die. It was cold, though there was so much pain that I was surprised it bothered me. It started to snow, and I wondered why I wasn't dying. I was impatient for death to come, to end the pain. It was taking so long. . . .

"Carlisle found me then. He'd smelled the blood, and come to investigate. I remember being vaguely irritated as he worked over me, trying to save my life. I'd never liked Dr. Cullen or his wife and her brother — as Edward pretended to be then. It had upset me that they were all more beautiful than I was, especially that the men were. But they didn't mingle in society, so I'd only seen them once or twice.

"I thought I'd died when he pulled me from the ground and ran with me — because of the speed — it felt like I was flying. I remembered being horrified that the pain didn't stop. . . .

"Then I was in a bright room, and it was warm. I was slipping away, and I was grateful as the pain began to dull. But suddenly something sharp was cutting me, my throat, my wrists, my ankles. I screamed in shock, thinking he'd brought me there to hurt me more. Then fire started burning through me, and I didn't care about anything else. I begged him to kill me. When Esme and Edward returned home, I begged them to kill me, too. Carlisle sat with me. He held my hand and said that he was so sorry, promising that it would end. He told me everything, and sometimes I listened. He told me what he was, what I was becoming. I didn't believe him. He apologized each time I screamed.

"Edward wasn't happy. I remember hearing them discuss me. I stopped screaming sometimes. It did no good to scream."

I was as still as a statue. I couldn't help remembering the pain of my transformation, imagining it for her…

"'What were you thinking, Carlisle?' Edward said. '_Rosalie Hale_?' I didn't like the way he said my name, like there was something wrong with me."

Rosalie imitated Edward's irritated tone to perfection, and I wished she didn't. The mere mention of his name had hurt, but coupled with his voice… oh… the pain was at least as bad as the transformation she was describing. She didn't notice my face, though. She was too wrapped up in her memories…

"'I couldn't just let her die,' Carlisle said quietly. 'It was too much — too horrible, too much waste.'

"'I know,' Edward said, and I thought he sounded dismissive. It angered me. I didn't know then that he really could see exactly what Carlisle had seen.

"'It was too much waste. I couldn't leave her,' Carlisle repeated in a whisper.

"'Of course you couldn't,' Esme agreed.

"'People die all the time,' Edward reminded him in a hard voice. 'Don't you think she's just a little recognizable, though? The Kings will have to put up a huge search — not that anyone suspects the fiend,' he growled. It pleased me that they seemed to know that Royce was guilty.

"I didn't realize that it was almost over — that I was getting stronger and that was why I was able to concentrate on what they were saying. The pain was beginning to fade from my fingertips.

"'What are we going to do with her?' Edward said disgustedly — or that's how it sounded to me, at least.

"Carlisle sighed. 'That's up to her, of course. She may want to go her own way.'

"I'd believed enough of what he'd told me that his words terrified me. I knew that my life was ended, and there was no going back for me. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone. . . .

"The pain finally ended and they explained to me again what I was. This time I believed. I felt the thirst, my hard skin; I saw my brilliant red eyes.

"Shallow as I was, I felt better when I saw my reflection in the mirror the first time. Despite the eyes, I was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen." She laughed at herself for a moment. "It took some time before I began to blame the beauty for what had happened to me — for me to see the curse of it. To wish that I had been . . . well, not ugly, but normal. Like Vera. So I could have been allowed to marry someone who loved me, and have pretty babies. That's what I'd really wanted, all along. It still doesn't seem like too much to have asked for."

She was thoughtful for a moment, and I wondered if she'd forgotten my presence again. But then she smiled at me, her expression suddenly triumphant.

"You know, my record is almost as clean as Carlisle's, or Esme's. I've never tasted human blood," she announced proudly.

She understood my puzzled expression as I wondered why her record was only _almost_ as clean.

"I did murder five humans," she told me in a complacent tone. "If you can really call them _human_. But I was very careful not to spill their blood — I knew I wouldn't be able to resist that, and I didn't want any part of them in me, you see.

"I saved Royce for last. I hoped that he would hear of his friends' deaths and understand, know what was coming for him. I hoped the fear would make the end worse for him. I think it worked. He was hiding inside a windowless room behind a door as thick as a bank vault's, guarded outside by armed men, when I caught up with him. Oops — seven murders," she corrected herself. "I forgot about his guards. They only took a second."

"I was overly theatrical. It was kind of childish, really. I wore a wedding dress I'd stolen for the occasion. He screamed when he saw me. He screamed a lot that night. Saving him for last was a good idea — it made it easier for me to control myself, to make it slower —"

She stopped mid-sentence. "Sorry. I got carried away."

"Don't worry about it."

She sighed. "I know I haven't been fair to you, Bella, and that isn't all. Were you ever told _why_ I never liked you, from the start?"

"Edward said it was because I was human. He said it was harder for you to have someone on the outside who knew."

Rosalie's musical laughter interrupted me. She seemed warmer as she laughed, like she'd let down some guard that had always been there in my presence before. "What a liar that boy is." She laughed again.

"He was lying?" I asked, suddenly wary.

"Well, that's probably putting it too strongly. He just didn't tell you the whole story. What he told you was true, even truer now than it was before. However, at the time . . ." She broke off, chuckling nervously. "It's embarrassing. You see, at first, I was mostly jealous because he wanted you and not me."

Her words sent a thrill of fear through me. Sitting there in the silver light, she was more beautiful than anything else I could imagine. I could not compete with Rosalie.

And now that Edward didn't love me anymore...

"But you love Emmett . . . ," I mumbled.

She shook her head back and forth, amused. "I don't want Edward that way, Bella. I never did — I love him as a brother, but he's irritated me from the first moment I heard him speak, because, unlike the scores of men chasing me over the years, he never wanted me as anything more than a sister. And it frustrated me, even offended me in the beginning. And then he wanted you, and I couldn't figure out why… But, it doesn't really bother me anymore. Edward has always been a little strange." She laughed again.

I was relieved at that… I wouldn't survive if Rosalie and Edward were together, as absurd as the prospect seemed.

"But you still don't like me, even though it doesn't still bother you and Edward doesn't love me anymore anyway?" I whispered.

Her smile faded. "The second option isn't true. But the first… well, I'm sorry about that."

We sat in silence for a moment, and she didn't seem inclined to go on.

"Would you tell me why? Did I do something . . . ?" Was she angry that I'd put her family — her Emmett — in danger? Time and time again. James, and now Victoria . . .

"Yes." she murmured.

I stared at her, perplexed.

"Don't you see, Bella?" Her voice was suddenly more passionate than before, even while she'd told her unhappy story. "You already had everything. You had a whole life ahead of you - everything I want. And you just _threw it away_. Can't you see that I would have traded _everything_ I have to have been you? You had the choice that I didn't have, and you chose _wrong_!"

I flinched back from her fierce expression. I realized my mouth had fallen open, and I snapped it shut.

She stared at me for a long moment, and, slowly, the fervor in her eyes dimmed. Abruptly, she was abashed.

"And I was so sure that I could do this calmly." She shook her head, seeming a little dazed by the flood of emotion. "It's just that it's harder now than it was then, when it was no more than vanity. You have to understand, as soon as I got over Edward wanting you and not me, and I was ready to start to entertain the notion of welcoming you into the family, it was destroyed by the revelation that you wanted to abandon your humanity."

She stared at the moon in silence. It was a few moments before I was brave enough to break her reverie.

"Would you like me better if I had chosen to stay human?"

She turned back to me, her lips twitching into a hint of a smile. "Maybe."

"You did get some of your happy ending, though," I reminded her. "You got Emmett."

"I got half." She grinned. "You know that I saved Emmett from a bear that was mauling him, and carried him home to Carlisle. But can you guess why I stopped the bear?"

I shook my head.

"With the dark curls . . . the dimples that showed even while he was grimacing in pain . . . the strange innocence that seemed so out of place on a grown man's face . . . he reminded me of Vera's little Henry. I didn't want him to die — so much that, even though I hated this life, I was selfish enough to ask Carlisle to change him for me.

"I got luckier than I deserved. Emmett is everything I would have asked for if I'd known myself well enough to know what to ask for. He's exactly the kind of person someone like me needs. And, oddly enough, he needs me, too. That part worked out better than I could have hoped. But there will never be more than the two of us. And I'll never sit on a porch somewhere, with him gray-haired by my side, surrounded by our grandchildren.

"And I know this is all coming from me too late, because even if you wanted to change your mind now you couldn't, but maybe you wouldn't have anyway. But do you think my story could have been a factor in your decision, had things turned out differently?"

I didn't honestly know. "Probably, Rosalie - all of the Cullens' stories were a factor in my decision. But I never really had any sort of desire for children… I think I can be happy without them."

"I suppose so. But, Bella, neither did I until I got to the time when women in my generation had children. And I just worry that in a couple of years, you'll regret it. I understand that all you ever really wanted was Edward, but still, that was fine for me too, until later… Esme's made do with us as substitutes, and Alice doesn't remember anything human so she can't miss it... You _will_ remember, though. And you might not have made that such a huge factor in the decision to change because you weren't even near that step yet. But it was a lot to give up for me."

More to get in return, though. For me, at least. But I didn't say that aloud.

"Thanks, Rosalie. It's nice to understand . . . to know you better."

"I apologize for being such a monster." She grinned. "I'll try to behave myself from now on. I can't be mad when I didn't get my say in time, and I know that it was _your_ decision. Maybe just having Edward forever was enough for you. Maybe nothing could be more important. But I do know that having a child was always more important for me, so I'm a bit biased. I just need time to get over the little voice in my head that tells me of what you could have had, what _I_ could have had, when I look at you."

I grinned back at her. We weren't friends or sisters yet, but I was pretty sure she wouldn't always hate me so much. And, maybe time could help with that.

"I'll leave you alone now. And maybe I shouldn't say this, but I will – I know you think that Edward doesn't love you, but I saw him when he left, we all did. He was lonely before he met you, but he was broken when we left. He's suffering as much as you. He loves you more than you know, Bella, and it terrified him to entertain the notion of being away from you."

I was hearing that a lot nowadays, it seemed. But it didn't make it truer.

"I've never been in a position quite like yours, Bella –no-one has, possibly – but maybe I'd feel the same way if Emmett left me. I don't know that someone like me deserves him, either. Maybe only Edward himself can convince you of the truth."

With that, she got up silently and ghosted to the door. "Goodnight, Bella," she whispered as she shut it behind herself, leaving me with just my thoughts in the quiet room.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

A month (and a slightly nicer Rosalie) later, and I got out of bed to find the whole house empty. Strange… they hadn't mentioned anything about going anywhere to me. I padded around the castle, but the last scent I had of them was yesterday's: they had gone.

Trying to ignore the fear and inevitable abandonment anxiety I was feeling, I went outside to continue the search, only to see a beautiful face I hadn't laid eyes upon since I was human…

Unnaturally still and white, with large black eyes intent on my face, my visitor stood on a knoll not five hundred feet away, beautiful beyond imagining.

I nearly collapsed from fear. He had haunted my dreams from the day they killed James, and now he was back. His eyes were crimson. Oh, _no_…

My vampire mind immediately turned to logic. My family weren't here; therefore he must have taken them too. How…? But that was irrelevant.

Logic also told me that, while I was a good fighter, no vampire could win against two of their own kind, and I knew that, if he was there, then Victoria couldn't be far behind. Alice had known something was up when the Denalis had mentioned he never came, _why_ hadn't we been more careful? These two would be good fighters. I couldn't win here.

My chest seized in fear… I was going to die too. Despite all my near-death experiences that Edward had saved me from, I knew that I couldn't do this on my own, and _he_ wasn't around to save me this time.

"Laurent."

I greeted him coolly, despite the fact that I would have liked nothing more than to vomit or collapse from fear. Even if those things were impossible for a vampire.

"Bella… at last…"

"Why are you here?" Maybe, just maybe, it would be innocent… but why would he have red eyes if he were still good? And why else would he looking at me that way?

"Victoria sent me – but I would have thought that you would have guessed that. She's sort of … put out with you, Bella. James was her mate, and the Cullens killed him, after all."

Curious. "Why me, specifically? I was just lying there, writhing on the floor, when he died."

"She thought it more appropriate to kill you than Edward – fair turnabout, mate for mate, and I've agreed to help her. I didn't know whether they'd turned you or not, but I like a challenge just as much as I like human blood, and she didn't mind who got rid of you, so long as it happened."

"Things aren't like that for us, anymore. Not for Edward, anyway."

"You're a poor liar, Bella." What? "If he didn't feel the same way as you did, how come he's been tracking the two of us for the past two years? Didn't help you much, mind you. He's terrible at tracking."

I didn't know what to say to that. Maybe it was some weird leftover instinct to keep me safe? That sounded like Edward.

"Regardless, I'll go ahead anyway. And if you knew what she had planned for you, Bella, I swear you'd be thanking me for this." He started his advance, slow and steady.

As I stood in place and crouched to fight, I managed to get out; "What did you do with my family?"

He looked slightly surprised. "Nothing."

He was lying, I was certain, but it was too late. He was too close for me to worry about them anymore. And if he didn't kill me, Victoria would. She'd be here any minute. But I knew I would fight with everything I had, regardless.

He suddenly sprung at me, and we were fighting.

This was different from the fighting I had done with my brothers – it was vicious, and not as perfectly choreographed as it was with them. We both fought for control and I emerged the dominant, lunging at his neck, only to have him escape each time. I heard things breaking as he started to make mistakes… But, distracted by the fact that Victoria had just run over the hill, I nearly lost my footing, and his teeth narrowly missed my arm.

"I'll get her before she wins if she gains the upper hand, Laurent, don't worry," she said.

I had been expecting her voice to be low, harsh, and threatening; instead, it was high, girlish, and dripping with honey. But her words terrified me. If I started winning, I would lose. If I toned it down, I would lose. No way out.

So I kept going, frustrated; hoping for a miracle to occur, I supposed. And I was the better fighter, so, unavoidably, I gained the upper hand. Now Laurent was making more and more mistakes, I would get closer and closer to his neck with my teeth. After a very close miss, Victoria, with a great screech of frustration, started to run towards me. I kept fighting, but knew this was the end…

Then there was horrible crashing sound, and another screech: a different one, not of frustration, but of surprise. I didn't have time to stop and see, though; I had already wasted my advantage in looking up to see Victoria.

Laurent and I increased our pace tenfold, and I think we both now knew that Victoria wasn't coming to help him. There were the unmistakeable sounds of fighting and I was dying to know who it was, but it would be too dangerous, especially with the speed Laurent and I were now fighting at. Anything but complete concentration would mean failure…

Laurent missed my grasp narrowly, and I screamed in frustration. I decided I had had enough of the fooling around, and got reckless, grabbing his waist and throwing him against a tree. It was one of the moves I had used when I had started out fighting as a newborn, and it was skill-less, relying on just brute strength. It never worked against mature vampires, Jasper had said. I never figured out what prompted me to do it right there, with Laurent.

But while slamming him against a tree was horribly risky, it had one advantage; surprise. The rookie move coming from the skilful fighter threw him completely, I think, and the shock made him freeze for maybe one-tenth of a second. Which was too long.

With an almighty shriek, I lunged at him, teeth bared, and tore his head off, followed by his other limbs. I hastily snapped two huge branches off the tree before he could start to put himself back together again, and rubbed them together as fast as I could. There was a single spark, and the branches burst into flame. I quickly dropped the branches and backflipped to avoid the flames that would consume me as easily as they did him.

I watched the flames, never taking my eyes off them as Laurent became a pile of ashes in a huge purple fire. I only paused to say to Victoria's unknown attacker, who I could hear was winning from her frustrated snarls, "Don't kill her, I want to know where the rest of the Cullens are."

But when I heard the reply, it came as if from the other end of a tunnel. The words didn't matter; all that mattered was the _voice_…

"Victoria hasn't done anything to my family. Trust me, I know. I have a talent for getting things like that out of people."

All I could hear was the voice. I knew that voice. I had never heard it while I was a vampire, but I couldn't mistake it. It was a symphony, a symphony more profound than any created by any man…

I turned, slowly, to confirm what I already knew. But what I saw floored me anyway. It was _him_.

How many times had I stared at Edward and marvelled over his beauty? How many hours, days, weeks of my life had I spent dreaming about what I then deemed to be perfection? I'd thought this was the one sure physical thing in my whole world: the flawlessness of Edward's face.

I may as well have been blind. For the first time, with the dimming shadows and limiting weakness of humanity taken off my eyes, I saw his face. I gasped and then struggled with my vocabulary, unable to find the right words. I needed better words. Having him here, seeing his face, I felt _well_. Whole. It was like there had never been any hole in my chest. I was perfect – not healed, but if there had never been a wound in the first place.

I'd never seen anything more beautiful – far away as he was, as mentally exhausted as I was, I could appreciate that. And the last two years meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived.

My legs didn't work anymore, and I sank to the ground, watching him with my arms wrapped around my legs. I did not fear for him; I could see he was about to win.

She tried to run away, but Edward was there, in front of her, and I heard his voice again.

"You'll never get another chance like this, Victoria, to finish the man who killed him. You can always run later, plenty of time for that. It's what you do, isn't it? It's why James kept you around. Useful, if you like to play deadly games. A partner with an uncanny instinct for escaping. He shouldn't have left you – he could have used your skills when we caught up to him in Phoenix. And I know that's why you felt compelled to come here today, because you sensed no danger."

She screamed incoherently at him.

"That's all you ever were to him, though. Silly to waste so much energy avenging someone who had less affection for you than a hunter for his mount. You were never more than a convenience to him. I would know."

She broke formation and snapped at his neck: a dangerous mistake, and one that would cost her dearly, I knew.

"You'll never touch her. I'm not going to let you. I've been making sure of that for the last two years."

She turned to run.

"Nooo. Stay, just a little longer..."

His teeth made it to her throat, and he could have been kissing her.

But with a vicious snarl, he did exactly what I had; her head came off, followed by her limbs and her torso. He threw every piece onto the fire.

And as the flames burned, he knelt there next to them, looking almost like he was tempted to jump into them, and started talking to himself. He sounded like he was in so much _pain_ that for a second, I almost thought that the rest of the Cullens had been right, that he was in as much suffering as me.

"…but it's done now. What is there left for me now? …But that doesn't matter. To end the last possible way anyone could ever hurt her… I swore I could make her safe, and now I have. But to leave it so close, she nearly made it to my _house_… but why? That isn't where she is..." Why didn't he use my name?

He spoke, louder, not turning to look at me. "Who are you?"

When I spoke, it was surprisingly level.

"Look at my face, Edward. Try to read my mind."

He wouldn't be able to read my mind, I knew that. And I knew he would know me when he saw me; he had seen me as a vampire in Alice's vision, three years ago now…

He raised his head, slowly, painstakingly, until his eyes met mine.

And his face was shocked for a moment, but then it burst into the most incredulous, happy, confused, _loving_ expression I had ever seen.

But not anger. Not hate, not disgust. And there was so much love and joy in his expression that I couldn't be reading it wrong.

I didn't know what to think for a second. He didn't love me, he didn't! Did he…?

But, slowly and piercingly, a sharp stab of reason resonated through my crystalline body. An epiphany, of sorts.

I thought of that night in Port Angeles, the cool morning just before the cliff dive, when I'd had my delusions. I'd come up with two options to explain them. Insanity or wish fulfilment. I'd seen no third option.

But what if…

What if you sincerely believed something was true, but you were dead wrong? What if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right, that you wouldn't even consider the truth? Would the truth be silenced, or would it try to break through?

Option three: Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, he would always be mine.

Was that what I had been trying to tell myself? All the little hints I had given myself, every time I'd slipped and allowed myself to think that Edward loved me… the truth?

"Oh!"

He had walked up to me in the meantime, and now stood maybe a foot away from me. He looked like he'd seen the most wonderful, amazing sight anyone could see. I supposed I did, as well. I was seeing it, too…

"Bella?"

I swallowed. Took a deep breath. "It's really me."

"You're so beautiful… and you're _here_…" He seemed unable to continue. Without another word, he pulled me towards him and wrapped me in his arms. The words, stuck a moment ago, came tumbling out so fast I had to work to catch them.

"Oh, God… I can't believe you're here, you're in my arms. I love you, Bella, with all my heart, and I'll never let you go again…"

Oh. My. God. To hear him say it like that…

Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.

But he hadn't finished speaking. "And don't try to spare my feelings, please – just tell me now. I need to know. Can you possibly forgive me? And canyou still love me, after everything I've done to you?"

I grinned and rolled my eyes, feeling like _myself_ for the first time in two years. Finally free of the hole in my chest!

Our foreheads touching, I whispered, "What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it. Please."

"Edward, the way I feel about you will never change. Of _course_ I love you – _and_ _there's nothing you can do about it_!"

"That's all I needed to hear then."

His mouth was on mine then, and it was like he'd never kissed me – like this was our first kiss. And, in truth, he'd never kissed me this way before. No caution, no restraint. No fear – especially not that. Finally equals, after all this time.

It could have been seconds or days, weeks or years that had passed. I'd completely lost track of time, space: everything, really. Save for the fact that Edward was here, I was in his arms. And he loved me.

(A/N: Awww.

I wanted to go back a bit for Edward's POV, so the next chapter starts off with him tracking Victoria then goes right up until the end of BPOV and then a little further. Chapter On this was ALL taken from Dark Moon by Vampire Girl*aKa Soph*, with a few minor changes. Once again, I take no credit. Dark Moon is a fantastic story, New Moon from Edward's POV. I encourage you to read it. And I hope you enjoy this next part, as much as is possible with Edward suffering so badly… )


	15. Chapter 15 EPOV

CHAPTER ONE

(Most of this chapter was taken from Dark Moon by Vampire Girl*aKa Soph*, with a few minor changes. The first part is from the New Moon extra 'Rosalie's News', by Stephenie Meyer.

Once again, I take no credit. Dark Moon is a fantastic story, New Moon from Edward's POV. I encourage you to read it.)

EPOV

I wasn't precisely sure where I was. Some dark attic crawl space full of rats and spiders. The spiders ignored me, and the rats gave me a wide berth. The air was this with the heavy scents of cooking oil, rancid meat, human sweat, and the nearly solid layer of pollution that was actually visible in the humid air, like a black film over everything. Below me, four stories of a rickety ghetto tenement teamed with life. I didn't bother to separate the thoughts from the voices- they made a big, loud Spanish clamour that I didn't listen to. I just let the sounds bounce off me. Meaningless. All of it was meaningless. My very existence was meaningless.

The whole world was meaningless.

My forehead pressed against my knees, and I wondered how much long I would be able to stand this. Maybe it was hopeless. Maybe, if my attempt was doomed to failure anyway, I should stop torturing myself and just go back.

The idea was so powerful, so healing - like the words contained a strong anaesthetic, washing away the mountain of pain I was buried under- that it made me gasp, made me dizzy. I could leave now, I could go back.

Bella's face, always behind the lids of my eyes, smiled at me.

It was a smile of welcome, of forgiveness, but it did not have the affect my subconscious probably intended it to have.

Of course I could not go back. What was my pain, after all, in comparison to her happiness? She should be able to smile, free from fear and danger. Free from a longing for a soulless future. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than me. When she left this world, she would go to a place that was forever barred to me, no matter how I conducted myself here.

The idea of that final separation was so much more intense than the pain I already had. My body shook with it. When Bella went on to the place where she belonged and never could, I would not linger here behind. There must be oblivion. There must be relief.

That was my hope, but there were no guarantees. To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub, quoted to myself. Even when I was ash, would I somehow still feel the torture of her loss?

I shuddered again.

And, damn it, I'd promised. I'd promised her that I wouldn't haunt her life again, bring my black demons into it. I wasn't going back on my word. Couldn't I do anything right by her? Anything at all?

The idea of returning to the cloudy little town that would always be my true home on this planet snaked through my thoughts again.

Just to check. Just to see that she's well and safe and happy. Not to interfere. She would never know I was there.

No. Damn it, no.

I'd made a promise. Bella deserved a life. I'd made a promise. Bella deserved a life.

Tracking was intensely tedious.

It irritated me to follow a scent with no clue to the final destination.

I loathed to be kept in the darkness.

Where was Victoria going?

What was she planning to do?

Why was she travelling so far?

I would do anything just to hear her thoughts, so I would know what she was planning. I was even starting to reconsider my tracking skills. I truly wasn't any good at it. Was I really tracking Victoria's sent? What if Victoria never left Washington and was really close to Bella right at this moment and no one was protecting her?

NO. I couldn't think about all those questions. I had to keep in mind I was on the right track or I would lose my mind.

It would be worthwhile in the end – when I found Victoria. She wouldn't know what was coming to her. What I was planning to do with her for being a threat to my beloved Bella.

I had tracked her scent south.

I stayed hidden in the trees and countryside as much as possible. Trekking up and down mountainous areas of America. I was trying to avoid as many people that I could because I wasn't able to hunt as often as I should. It was essential for me to stay focused to ensure I didn't lose the scent I tried so hard to keep fresh in my mind.

I had been on following Victoria's trail for over a year so far, and I was nearing the state of Texas by now.

I did not hasten myself in my quest – I took my time, following the scent carefully, keeping it fresh it my mind.

I would catch up to her eventually – I had all eternity.

Whilst tracking it was a strain to keep my focus on my objective constantly, and not allowing myself to be distracted by thoughts of Bella. It was extremely challenging, especially since tracking was mind-numbingly unexciting. As a result of being jaded, I frequently had momentary lapses in my concentration.

I found myself wondering what was happening in Bella's world. Where was her life taking her? And the most important thing – was she happy? I was desperate to know every diminutive detail.

I desired to smell her overwhelming scent again. I wouldn't have any problem tracking my Bella. I would be able to track her scent everywhere without the slightest difficulty.

I had been so close to her – to going to see her astonishing beautiful face. It would have been so straightforward to remain a part of her life from the shadows. Hiding in the trees, like I did when the sunlight refrained me from the public eye.

But I didn't want to be deceitful and break the last ounce of trust that Bella had in me – to never come back.

As if I never existed, I remembered.

I asked Alice not to look at Bella's future.

I had made her promise.

I just longed to be in the know.

I could live as long as Bella did.

Well if you could call what I was doing, living.

Living requires making the most of life and having something to live for.

I knew I had things important to me – my family and my Bella.

But if I couldn't be with Bella, then I didn't see the point in life.

I wasted away slowly but surely… suffering in the process.

I was ready to admit defeat.

I wanted to give up tracking and return to my solitude of misery.

But my purpose to keep Bella safe, lingered in my mind, reminding me that I had to get rid of this volatile creature I was stalking.

As I entered the state of Texas, Victoria's sent got significantly stronger – was it possible she was still here? Was I nearing the end of my quest?

My determination intensified.

She was near.

I could feel it.

My long awaited revenge was coming to an end.

My speed quickened – I was desperate to finish this. I dodge the surrounding trees swiftly, still staying inconspicuous out of the bright sunlight that shone through the sky.

Suddenly, I skidded to a halt. Victoria's scent split into two directions – one further south and the other in an east direction. I thought this was strange. Unless she was at this exact location more than once recently? That was the only possible conclusion I could come to.

I wanted to call Alice and ask if she could see Victoria's future destinations, in effort to help me decide which scent to follow. Would Alice be able to see visions of Victoria? It was no use – Alice probably couldn't help me anyway. She was not attuned to Victoria and asking for her help ruined the whole point of tracking.

Alice would have told me if she could have visions of Victoria – to stop me from coming on this tracking expedition. I would not fail. I couldn't fail. I would succeed, to keep my Bella safe.

One scent was distinctly stronger than the other, therefore I concluded that this strong scent was the more recent and it would be logical to follow it.

I inhaled deeply, taking in the scents around me to ensure I had not been mistaken. The scent heading in a southerly direction was definitely the more apparent one whereas the scent heading east was rather faded and smelt old.

I sprinted south, eager to find my target. The trail seemed endless. I ran for hours, continuously following the unchanging scent. I began to worry that I was following the wrong trail. But I couldn't have – I was positive.

Victoria was faster than I had anticipated.

Soon enough, I found myself crossing the border into South America.

The sun began to fade slightly. Was I imagining things? It was not possible. I hadn't stopped running at full speed for days – not even to hunt. I was getting desperate now. When and where would the trail end?

My question was answered the next day.

A hot, sunny and green destination.

Brazil.

The trail abruptly ended.

And I knew I had failed.

I inhaled deeply numerous times, taking in every scent around me. All I could detect was the nearby wildlife and surrounding trees.

There was no other trace of Victoria.

I screamed out a snarl in disgust.

The trail I had followed to Brazil was false.

How could I have been so blind and idiotic? I detested myself for being so unaware.

Why couldn't I have the skill of tracking instead of the ability to read minds? My vampire talent seemed so insignificant now, because the one mind I desired to read was unreachable to me. Why couldn't I have a skill that was able to protect Bella?

I fell to the ground and rested my head on my knees.

My head was spinning. I was so confused.

How could I have been so wrong? More importantly, what should I do now?

I ran through my options in my head.

I could go back to Texas and follow the other scent.

Or I could go back to Washington, and begin the hunt again.

NO. I wouldn't be strong enough to stay away from Bella again, if I went back. I knew that all I wanted was for Bella to take me in her arms lovingly and soothe away my pain and foolishness.

I was ready to surrender.

Ready to go back.

Back to Forks.

Back to my Bella.

I wandered around Rio for eight days, arguing with myself – contemplating on what decision I should make.

I felt like the two different sides of my brain were in a constant dispute. One side arguing to stay away, to remain in my own desolation, my own nothingness.

Whilst the other side screamed at me to go back to the over-clouded town of Forks.

I was literally torn apart.

I had to face up to reality – I couldn't track and I couldn't protect my Bella.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER TWO

I stayed strong, though. Instead of crawling back to Forks like the self-serving, malicious weakling I was, I crawled into a basement underneath a fruit stall and stayed there. For how long, I didn't know. Probably months. I just rocked back and forth, crying tearlessly and picturing Bella's beautiful face. Each time I started thinking of going back to Forks, it was harder to push it away. And I had failed her.

But I soon decided that I would try my hardest, though, to correct my mistake. I would return to Texas and follow the other trail – it was weak before, and it would be weaker now. But I couldn't do _nothing_.

Three days later, and I had finished following the other trail. I now knew it was the right one; Victoria's scent had became more and more potent with every mile I followed it. The only problem now, was that it ended in an airport: fresh, not a day had passed since she'd been there. And I couldn't track a scent through the air. I felt like screaming in frustration, but that would be counterproductive and would probably be escorted off the premises.

Instead, I gave a low growl, took another whiff of the scent and walked up to the enquiries desk.

_Wow, he's hot but haunted. My type. Time to lay it on, thick…_

I ignored her. I saw only Bella in my mind. Women had no draw for me now if they weren't Bella. Not just women – few things in the whole world mattered but her.

"Welcome to the San Antonio International Airport. What can I help you with?"

I wasted no time. "Could you tell me what flights left this airport from Terminal 16 at around nine o' clock this morning?"

She fumbled with her computer for a while before answering. "Ahm, yes, there were three. United Airlines, bound for Denver, Mesa Airlines, also for Denver, and SkyWest Airlines for Los Angeles."

None of these were particularly helpful. I couldn't imagine Victoria going to Los Angeles, though. It was too bright, probably…

"Can you find out what the weather in LA is like today for me?"

"Sure… sunny."

"Thankyou." That didn't mean anything, though. She could have just gotten a connection and not strayed into the sun.

Aargh, this was hard. And there was now only one possible way to know where she had gone; go to each of the three airports and check every one for Victoria's scent. And there was every chance that that could go on for a while; she would just keep catching connections until I slipped up somehow.

Yet I would follow her, I knew, until the trail had run completely dry or Victoria was dead.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER THREE

SIX MONTHS LATER

Victoria had lead me on a wild-goose chase, that much was certain. In the past six months, I had been lead across about fifty airports – not counting all those airports that I had checked for her and failed to find her in – every type of land there was, through swampland and fields and cities. I could feel I was falling behind, but I was not about to break the promise I had made to myself, to Bella. I would not give up until there was absolutely nothing.

I was following her scent through the slums of India at the moment. I had resolved to give large amounts of money to charities supporting this worthy cause, but I couldn't stop and do something about it, now that I was losing Victoria. The slums of India were a very good place to do this – there were so many smells and people here, plus it was sunny so I had to conceal all of my skin and be constantly on the lookout for any part that might be revealed. Her scent was growing less and less fresh as I fell further and further behind. And I didn't know if I would ever catch up.

GREECE, TWO MONTHS LATER

I knew, now, that I had lost Victoria for good. I had fallen far behind across Russia, and I had given her enough time by doing that to set up an eight-way trail by the Parthenon, each trail smelling exactly to me as all the others.

After a lot of investigating, I found that seven led to a different airport each, and I followed Victoria's scent through the terminals exactly as I had been doing the past few months. All finished without a trace of Victoria's at the other end. But the last one I looked at, a month and a lot of airplanes later, didn't.

The faintest, lightest, of scents still led to the edge of a densely populated beach, where her scent disappeared as I walked onto the sand. It had been erased by all the other scents across there, and I knew that it was nearly impossible to track a scent through water unless it was fresh. And this one was two months old.

I had lost her.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER FOUR

Knowing my promise to Bella and hating myself more than anything for allowing her biggest threat to escape, I went to the snowy wastelands of Russia and spent two weeks there, hating myself, hating the cruel fates that made me a soulless vampire that would never deserve someone as bright, as beautiful, as _good_ as Bella. I was the last person that deserved to be with her – I couldn't even keep her safe. I hated myself, more than anything or anyone.

I was at a complete loss for what to do next, too. I wanted so desperately, so selfishly, to see Bella, but that was impossible. And I could not face my family, either. I couldn't think of how I could deal with it all.

So I just stayed put for a while – a frozen statue surrounded by ice. Fitting.

But then, after a fortnight of not moving a muscle, like a bolt from the blue, I remembered that she would have gone to Dartmouth not too long ago. She might not actually be in Forks... I could go to her house, smell her intoxicating scent, and find out from her father's and others' minds how she was doing. If she wasn't there, I would not be breaking any promises, I argued.

So, I made a compromise with myself. I was capable of self-control. I would go back. If she was there, I would leave again unnoticed. I _would_.

If she was gone, then I would stay as long as I could, but never look for her, and I would never make my presence known.

It was a risky plan, because if she were there, I knew I might not be able to stop myself from leaving. But I couldn't just stay here forever.

It was a snap decision, I supposed. But regardless, I sprang up and just ran. I was going home.

I sat her bedroom, in the chair in the corner where I had once sat nightly. It was midnight, snowing, and it smelled so wonderfully of her that the only better place I could think of being was in her arms. But I could settle for this. The pain of loss was nothing compared to the comfort of memory and delusion, however much extra pain those two things could have bought. And the delusion that I had never lost Bella forever was made so much stronger when I could smell her like this.

The wondrous scent was stale in her room, and a layer of dust had long since covered what remained of her possessions: she had obviously long since departed for wherever she had gone. At least, that was what I hoped. There were signs that suggested otherwise… Three things a little amiss in her bedroom, for starters.

The first was that Alice's scent was here too, mixed with Bella's. And, from what I could deduce, they were from around the same time.

But the rationalization for that, feeble though it was, was that she had seen Bella leaving (though I had told her not to look for Bella's future) and come to have a look at Bella's house again when she had gone.

The second was all of the items I had left underneath a loose floorboard under her bed – the CDs, the pictures, her birthday presents – were all gone. And Alice's scent was all over that floorboard; Bella's wasn't.

I couldn't imagine why Alice would have taken them… maybe to keep for herself? Unlikely; I couldn't imagine Alice doing that. To give to Bella? Slightly more likely, but why would she do that? If Bella was in pain, it would only intensify that pain. And if she was happy, all of those things would serve as useless mementoes. I couldn't make any sense of it.

The third? Charlie was dreaming next door, and I could pick out the topic of his dream. In it, Bella had mysteriously disappeared without a trace, after dropping some cryptic clues about going the night before. In the dream, Bella looked as flat and empty as I had felt those previous months.

I couldn't imagine the guilt, the horror I would feel if the dream was true, because in this dream it was my leaving that had caused her to feel that way. And if Alice had taken her away without any forewarning, there could only be one reason why… and, unfortunately, it fit perfectly with the inexplicable factor of Alice's scent being everywhere.

I wanted desperately to go and ask Alice what had really happened, to prove my theory wrong… but I was so happy to be here, where Bella and I had once shared so much time together. It hurt, certainly, but it felt more like home than anywhere else, ever. Plus, however small a reason it was, I wanted to hear updates of Bella through Charlie in the morning. To disprove what I saw in his dream, which was probably erroneous anyway… Oh, I hoped so…

I stayed put, breathing slowly, in and out. In and out, until Charlie began to stir. And I knew immediately that his dream was comprised of nothing more than real life.

His thoughts never focused directly on Bella, but she was always in the back of his mind, carefully suppressed… And I could understand why he did so; the Bella in his memories was frightening.

For one thing, she looked awful. She was still beautiful, but the softness about her features had disappeared; her pale features, now paler than ever, had acquired a hard, bitter edge. There were black circles under her eyes, and I heard the reason for that in his memories, however much he tried to not remember. The terrified screaming, the begging for reason, knowledge… or just to die. When she spoke, there was no expression; it sounded automated. She had lost far too much weight; her bones were sticking out much more harshly than they ever should have been. A living skeleton

When she awoke, she did not just have the appearance of a walking skeleton; it was how she had gone through life, too. She would look but not see, hear but not listen, smile, but it never reached her eyes.

She was much better at hiding it than me, I could tell, but I could read it in her haunted face. My leaving had destroyed her.

I had not thought it possible for me to feel even worse than I had, but I was dead wrong. _I _had been the monster that had left her to protect her from myself, but I could see that I became more the monster for leaving her like this. I had left her so I wouldn't destroy her soul, but I saw I had inadvertently destroyed something just as precious in the process – I had destroyed her spirit. If I'd thought I was causing her harm when I was _here_, it was nothing compared to when I wasn't.

_Why_ could I not do the right thing, once in my life? Bella had once told me I was always right. It wasn't true, and now it was being proved to me in the most brutal way possible.

I had been wrong; she wouldn't forget. She couldn't let me go. She loved, wanted me as much as I did her, and I was an arrogant fool to ignore her every time I had said that. Bella never acted like most humans… why had I assumed that she would love like just a mere human? I had done a horrible wrong by her. And now it was too late. One look at her face and I knew that to make someone feel that way was beyond forgiveness. Beyond anything, really.

I despised myself. And that wasn't the end of it, oh, no…

I saw, through his memories, that Alice had come back… but I couldn't feel anything but overwhelming gratitude for her. Even Charlie had noticed that while Alice was around Bella, she seemed a little happier. She ate a little more, she listened slightly more intently. When she smiled, it looked more like a smile and less like a pained grimace. But even as Jasper joined Alice – they hated to be parted – she was still like something out of a horror movie. The scariest.

Charlie still wondered often what had really happened next. Alice and Jasper had left, but Bella hadn't been crushed, contrary to his expectations. And I knew that it wasn't possible, in case they actually had left…

Then graduation night. I could do nothing but gasp at the dreadfulness as I realised what Alice had planned for Bella and what she had obviously agreed to.

"_I am going away, but it might not be to college. And I'll be gone a while too. I might not be able to get in touch with you."_

"_Is it to do with the Cullens?" _

"_Not really." _

And the 'not really' was obviously a 'yes' in disguise… she was a poor liar. Alice had taken her away from her father, and she wasn't going to Dartmouth… and there was only one outcome I could anticipate for that. One Alice actually had forseen, no doubt.

Bella had become a vampire… she'd left with Alice, presumably to join my family…

I extricated myself from Charlie's thoughts, leaving me with only my own.

I knew I should be furious, livid, irate – and, probably, I would have been, up until fifteen minutes ago. And yet, I couldn't find it in me…

I laid it out logically, trying to not let my prejudices get in the way. Not yet.

I knew that Bella had always wanted nothing more than to join my world, to become immortal… for two reasons. To have me forever, and to have become a part of my family. I had gone to the most extreme of extreme measures to ensure that she would never change into one of us. I had wounded her in doing so. Alice had offered to help heal the wounds by making her a vampire.

And, when Bella, well-informed and of her own accord, had decided that she could have one of those things she wanted (unaware that she had always had me), then I couldn't be angry with Alice. Bella could have been happier… and I found myself grateful to Alice, rather than furious with her, for wanting to make Bella happy using whatever means possible. She loved Bella, too. Like a sister… and maybe, now, they _were_ true sisters. If everything I had assumed was correct, Bella would probably be past her newborn stage now, and she would be one of the Cullens… that was what she had wanted, and none of my family would have refused her. Not even Rosalie. Probably.

I knew where she would be. I could see her, in front of me, _there…_

I stood up, unsure whether to go to Ithaca and see her or not…

But as I did, I knocked a cushion off the chair where I'd been sitting, and the resulting currents of air made a piece of paper that was underneath the chair fluttered into plain sight. I caught it, read the all-too-familiar writing…

_Charlie-_

_I hope you can forgive me for what I did to you by leaving. And, as much as this hurts, you probably won't ever be able to see me again. _

_I swear to you, though, I love you, so much. And I think I might be happier now, but it hurts me to think it might be at your expense. _

_So, Charlie, I only ask that you let me go, out of your heart. Now that I am gone, don't wait, but be free. Of me – put me deep inside you, and then go out into the world and live. Don't try and look for me – you probably won't succeed. _

_I know absence can be present in its own way, and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I've hurt you enough in recent times, I know. And I'm sorry you can't be around to see me get a little better, with Alice and Jasper – and, hopefully, the rest of the Cullens as well. Probably not Edward, though._

_I hope you won't hate me for saying this, but after Mom left, I think that it consumed you, to a certain extent, and it kills me that I have to do it to you as well. I hate the thought of you here, in this house, with your job that I know has been your wife and family for so long, waiting for me, hoping I will come back, with some part of you wondering _well, if I'd done that differently…_If I can ask nothing else, I ask you to banish these thoughts – there was nothing you could have done – and get on with your life. Life it to your fullest. It is short, and life for you will seem all the more short to me soon…_

_And, finally, remember that I love you always. _

_Your Loving Daughter,_

_Bella._

If I had been undecided before, I knew that that was not the case now. I stood up, decided on leaving. I could see my Bella in less than an hour – it was fully possible that I could erase some more pain from her beautiful, perfect features. Erase the pain from mine, too, although I was my last priority right now.

APOV, that same moment

I hadn't really been looking for Edward's future, per se, but I always kept a tab on him, to see when he would finally come home and Bella would stop moping and they could finally be happy together. It was easy to do so: I had been looking for the futures of all my family for years. And when I saw his future, it was almost certainly as a result of a very recent decision. Real-time.

So we were sitting around the television on the night of Bella's birthday. She had had the sort of day she'd wanted, and while party planning _was_ my forté, I couldn't imagine Bella having to sit through a day of one of my parties; they were pretty full on. Even if she hadn't been acting like more of a zombie than a vampire lately, I don't think she would have liked it. She'd been perfectly happy with the present of college tuition and the 'Happy Birthday's. And it was nice to see her ever-so-slightly more perky lately.

And, at that moment, like a bolt from the blue, I could see Edward. He was coming! Oh, wow, yay! Finally. I was going to give him a piece of my mind for his idiocy, but I got a mushy loved-up reunion! Yay! I immediately started making plans for getting us all out of the way for the two of them. But they were interrupted when Bella spoke.

"What was _that_, Alice? Certainly made you perky."

I couldn't keep the grin off my face, but I wanted to surprise her. I considered telling her for a second – she hated surprises – but she would thank me later. When she was back to normal!!

"My custom-made shoes are ready from Manolo Blahnik!"

A lie, but one I wished was true… It would be another two weeks. Unfortunately.

She looked suspicious, but seemed to disregard it. And she was going to tire of having to keep on her happy face, too.

"That's good news. Thanks for a great birthday, everyone, it was exactly what I wanted it to be."

She hugged everyone – she was too cold nowadays, even for a vampire – and left.

I turned to everyone, excitement on my face.

Jasper smiled. "I think I know what you just saw…"

I nodded, and turned to the room at large.

"Okay, everyone. Here's what we're going to do…"


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER FIVE

The plane was delayed because of the heavy fog, and that was intensely irritating. I wanted to go to Bella, and running would be faster, but I was on this infernal plane now, and getting off wasn't possible. It took all of my self-control not to shatter the plastic armrest I was gripping in my impatience. I couldn't get Bella's note out of my head, either.

_Life it to your fullest. It is short, and life for you will seem all the more short to me soon…_

Blast it. I was going to have to fly this plane myself if we didn't take off very soon…

Not necessary, though, as I soon discovered. Ten minutes later, we were taxiing to the main runway. We were in the air…

The Tompkins Airport security was running slowly in the early morning, and that was even more screamingly irritating than the plane, because I was so _close_ now…

Eventually, I cleared Security, ran to the nearest car depot as fast as I could, and floored it, to our castle in Ithaca. Esme would surely have finished doing it up by now…

I turned onto the driveway, though, and immediately my nerves and my impatience faded.

I had finally caught up with Victoria…

Tearing the door from the body of the car, I leaped from it and ran, flat out, to where I could pinpoint her mind… and Laurent's, I noted with dread.

There were the unmistakeable sounds of fighting, but I didn't bother with listening to anyone's mind. I completely shut down that particular talent… all I focused on was the speed of my legs, and my burning desire to rip Victoria apart.

I cleared the trees and took stock of what was happening. Time slowed to a crawl for a second…

In the other corner of the field, Laurent and someone else – they were sparring too fast for me to see who – were fighting. The brunette was amazing, and I immediately knew that she would easily win if left to her own devices… but that didn't look probable, considering it was going to be two against one very soon. Victoria gave a shriek, and started to head in Laurent's and the mysterious warrior's direction. And no vampire could fend off two experienced fighters simultaneously.

Time sped up again, and thankfully I was faster than Victoria. With a sickening crunch, we collided, and we were fighting too. Two epic battles, both fought right here.

Victoria was an excellent fighter, but I was better than all except Alice, because I could see in people's minds what moves they were planning to make. Victoria was skilled, no doubt about it, but I concentrated on her mind and started to block her, gaining the upper hand very quickly. She snarled more and more frequently as my teeth got closer and closer to her skin…

I heard one final scream, and the sound of wood being crushed into sawdust… then, the lush tearing of vampire skin separating, and the crackling of the flames as Laurent became no more. There was only Victoria now.

Laurent's opponent spoke. It was a lovely voice; the voice of a woman, too. "Don't kill her, I want to know where the rest of the Cullens are."

My family…? What did she want with my family…? But were they okay?

Victoria thought on this for the barest fraction of a second before returning to the fight, and I felt I could reply.

"Victoria hasn't done anything to my family. Trust me, I know. I have a talent for getting things like that out of people."

There was only silence from her, and Victoria tried to use my speech to gain the upper hand. When it backfired – I flipped over and nearly caught her – she tried to flee. Which was never going to happen.

"You'll never get another chance like this, Victoria, to finish the man who killed him. You can always run later, plenty of time for that. It's what you do, isn't it? It's why James kept you around. Useful, if you like to play deadly games. A partner with an uncanny instinct for escaping. He shouldn't have left you – he could have used your skills when we caught up to him in Phoenix. And I know that's why you felt compelled to come here today, because you sensed no danger."

She screamed nonsense at me, but I stayed calm. She would get her comeuppance when she burned, I thought… my darker side shivered in anticipation at the thought. I decided to twist the knife a little.

"That's all you ever were to him, though. Silly to waste so much energy avenging someone who had less affection for you than a hunter for his mount. You were never more than a convenience to him. I would know."

This hurt her, deeply. So much so that she broke formation and snapped at my neck: easy to dodge, even for one starting out. Too risky a mistake, and not one she would be able to recover from. I would make sure of it.

She turned to run.

"Nooo. Stay, just a little longer..." My voice was coaxing, the total opposite of the act of violence I was about to commit. For Bella.

I threw myself at her, my teeth connecting with her neck, her limbs, her torso… I went further than I needed to with the ripping and the tearing, but I wanted to be _absolutely sure_. And, as repulsive as it was, I was rather enjoying dismembering the awful woman who had conspired to kill the one I loved and led me on a merry intercontinental dance trying to find her. The purple flames of the fire were like a balm to me, and gave me a feeling of finality. At last, Bella was safe. I had vanquished her last enemy.

Though with help… Curious, but unable to tear myself away from the flames or my thoughts of Bella, I simply asked her.

"Who are you?"

Cryptically, the voice answered, "Look at my face, Edward. Try to read my mind."

The answer confused me, no doubt, but I did as she said. For a second, I wondered if she had moved, or if I was mistaken… the meadow was silent. I could hear no thoughts except my own. Just like… but it _couldn't _be…

I turned my head, slowly, to look at where the voice came from. Bella…?

And my eyes landed on her face, and I was shocked. I knew then, without a doubt, that it was Bella's; I had seen it time and time again in Alice's visions. That was not what shocked me…

She was here. And she was beautiful; Alice's visions had not done her justice. Her face glowed as she looked at mine, and everything about her, from her amber eyes to her full lips to her long brown hair, was so… so… There weren't words. Breathtaking.

And then I couldn't get to her fast enough. Bella! My Bella! My heart could have started beating again with the strength of the love and happiness I felt. Here, right here, was the center of my universe. I was never going to leave her side again.

But she wouldn't let me be there, I knew that. She couldn't possibly want me anymore… could she?

I couldn't find the right words… so I started off with the most important: this luminous creature's name.

"Bella?" The name, though glorious, felt rusty on my tongue. I hadn't used it in so long…

She shook her head a little. She seemed dazed.

"It's really me."

"You're _so_ beautiful… and you're _here_…" I had always been more eloquent than she, but now I found myself completely unable to speak. I had to touch her; I gathered her up in my arms, something I had been dreaming of for two years, now… and it felt _right_…

Her touch unlocked all the words I needed to say, but they came out much faster than I had anticipated.

"Oh, God… I can't believe you're here, you're in my arms. I love you, Bella, with all my heart, and I'll never let you go again…"

Her face took on an expression of wonder, like she had just seen the most heavenly, miraculous, wondrous thing in the world and wanted to gaze upon it forever. I knew how she felt; I was feeling it too.

And did the fact that she looked so blissful… dazzled… mean that she could possibly still love me? Could she, would she forgive me? I had to know.

"And don't try to spare my feelings, please – just tell me now. I need to know. Can you possibly forgive me? And canyou still love me, after everything I've done to you?"

She smiled – uncertainly, as if it was something that hadn't happened in a long time – and rolled her eyes. I still waited, tense.

She touched her forehead to mine. "What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it. Please."

"Edward, the way I feel about you will never change. Of _course_ I love you – _and_ _there's nothing you can do about it_!"

My heart swelled, floated out through my chest, and soared into the sky to dance in he rays of the sun.

She loved me. And she forgave me. "That's all I needed to hear then."

And I kissed her.

The hurt was gone; only joy remained. And I knew that I would never feel sadness ever again with Bella, _my_ Bella at my side.

(A/N: Awww, again. That might be my favourite scene, especially from both their POVs.)


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER SIX

I didn't know how long we had been there, lying in the grass, kissing. But I didn't care in the slightest. The only thing in my world was Bella. I couldn't believe how blessed I was to have her forgiveness, to have her here, in my arms… it was more than I had ever hoped for. It was paradise, and I never wanted to move.

She lifted her head, and it was illuminated by the sun, its rays shining out from behind her head, her skin sparkling beautifully in the sunlight. There was never a more glorious sight to be seen, and I knew that I would never tire of seeing it, seeing her smile like that, as if the whole world and all its beauty were in front of her… and knowing that _I_ was the one who spread that joy over her face… I would never, ever, tire of it.

We had spent the whole day kissing, talking, _reuniting_. Telling each other of what had transpired since our separation. How we had both suffered. My suffering was not important to me – hers was, and I still abhorred myself for being the sole cause of the pain that invaded her face. I didn't think I would ever forgive myself for that.

Bella had though. "The minute I saw your face, you were forgiven. Even if you had left again, just the _feeling_ of _seeing_ you _there_, in front of me…"

She had been far, far too kind to me. I would have happily spent the next decade on my knees if I were with her, but she had simply forgiven me.

"I couldn't stay mad at you, Edward. You thought you were doing the right thing by me… and I know it hurt you just as much as it did me. Besides, having you here makes me so feel so blissful that I could never stay mad at you, not when you're here and you want _me_…"

She still viewed herself as unworthy of _me_! Though I had hurt her so deeply, time and time again, she still thought of herself, her perfect self, as below me. She didn't realise that it was the other way round, but now wasn't the time to make her see that. Now was the time to enjoy being in her magnificent presence.

And that I did, until we heard footsteps coming at us from the north. Bella unwillingly rolled off me and stood up, and I followed her, my arms around her waist, refusing to allow any space between us. There had been too much in previous times.

Alice burst out from the bushes then, and I felt a thrill of excitement as my eyes fell upon the face of my favourite sister. I had missed her.

She enveloped us both in a hug – her arms barely reached, but she got there – and I was expecting her to start chattering excitedly. But instead, she just put a hand on my head and said, with an ear-to-ear grin, "Missed you. But I'm so glad you're better and you're home!"

Bella's was much simpler. "Hate to say I told you so."

Bella laughed, and Alice's face softened at the sound. I could see from her memories that it was Bella's first real smile in two years.

"And I'm so sorry we left you guys to deal with Laurent and Victoria, you two. Although kudos on the brilliant skills you two exhibited. It was just… when I saw that Edward was coming back, I stopped looking and started planning. We went to visit the Denalis to all say thanks, to get out of the way so you two could have a proper reunion… we were already in Alaska when I saw what was really going to happen. Kinda wrecked it, didn't I?"

"Stop it, Alice, no-one expects you to be omniscient. Trust me, we had a lovely reunion. And I finally got to experience some top-notch vampire fighting."

I smiled. These two had really become sisters, the best. Even Rosalie, who had joined the rest of my family in a beaming circle surrounding us, was happy to see us happy.

Esme, at that, pulled us into a hug from behind. Carlisle wrapped his arms around all of us, and everyone else followed suit.

"You're back, Edward. In mind as well as body. And you, too, Bella."

I burrowed my head into Edward's shoulder. He loved me. And I was with him forever.

Jasper nodded. "It's true."

Edward pecked me on my cheek, and we stayed, all of the Cullens, hugging, exclaiming, for a while. We were a proper family now. Perfect. For eternity.


End file.
